


Hissy Fit

by dysonrules



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Animagus, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-15
Updated: 2010-09-15
Packaged: 2017-10-11 21:04:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/117105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dysonrules/pseuds/dysonrules
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry is an under-utilized Auror and Draco is an auditor for Gringotts. He lives to torment the Ministry and, of course, Harry Potter. He is also a Registered Animagus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Hissy Fit**

Harry pressed his fingers into his temples. He had stopped rubbing his scar some years ago, but the habit had merely shifted sideways and he often stroked the throbbing vein in his temple, especially when he was agitated. The one person absolutely guaranteed to bring on agitation slouched over Harry's desk at the moment, pointing out column after meaningless column of numbers on what looked to be an endless scroll. The tip of his wand tapped against the paper in sharp jabs for emphasis and the grey eyes pierced Harry as if trying to force knowledge home through the sheer power of his personality.

"Malfoy," Harry said tiredly, "Can we please go over this tomorrow? I really don't understand how my expense reports can drag you up here to personally go over them with me every single week."

"Because your expense reports are always wrong, Potter," Malfoy explained with a patience that still surprised Harry, even after four long years of dealing with Malfoy's financial annoyance on a weekly basis.

"I filled them out exactly as you instructed!" Harry snapped and immediately regretted it when the blond drew back. No matter how many years passed, Malfoy still bristled like a hedgehog whenever someone hinted that he was even slightly inferior, mistaken, or heaven forbid wrong.

"Obviously not, Potter, or you would have placed the Robe Cleaning Fees into Column G rather than Column N. And speaking of Robe Cleaning Fees, do you realize how much it costs to have robes professionally cleaned?" The tip of Malfoy's wand smacked against the parchment. "Well it's right there in ink. It's a ridiculous waste when all you need to do is cast a decent Cleaning Charm."

"I can't cast a 'decent Cleaning Charm' as you well know," Harry protested hotly and dug his fingers even more deeply into his aching temple. "It makes holes in the robes, inviting yet another tirade from you about how I'm wasting money by forcing the department to purchase new robes for me. Remember?"

Malfoy pulled back again with a ghost of his old smirk. "You look tired, Potter. Are you sleeping all right?"

Harry shot him a suspicious glare. Whenever Draco Malfoy started acting solicitous, it generally meant bad news for Harry Potter.

"I'm sleeping just fine, Malfoy," Harry gritted. Malfoy toyed with his wand for a moment and seemed almost uncomfortable. Harry sat up straight and moved his fingers away from his headache. Malfoy looked as if he had some sort of question to ask and he was not quite sure how to phrase it. Auror training had given Harry at least a rudimentary ability to read body language.

"I wanted to ask you about—"

Malfoy's words were cut short by Kingsley throwing the door open and barging inside. Malfoy glared at him and Harry grinned. The Minister had no sense of propriety and had walked in on several inappropriate "conversations" in certain offices before. None of it fazed the Minister a bit. He still slammed through closed doors whenever he needed something and unprofessional behaviour was swiftly punished. His habits had certainly put a damper on office romances.

"Malfoy, still complaining about the budget?" Kingsley asked.

The blonde drew himself up with a huff. "Sir, as the Official Financial Liaison between the Ministry and Gringotts, it is my job—"

Kingsley waved an impatient hand. "Yes, yes, it's your job to police us all and make sure we're not wasting a precious Knut of Ministry Funding. So you have mentioned. At least a trillion times. Shouldn't you actually _be_ at Gringotts instead of here harassing my Aurors?"

Malfoy sighed, but leaned over one last time to _tap tap tap_ at Harry's scroll. "Column G, Potter. Remember." With that, he sauntered toward the door and Harry looked hopefully at Kingsley. Harry had been given ridiculous case after ridiculous case for the past few years and he was beginning to feel completely frustrated with his job. All of the good, important cases had gone to other Aurors, including Harry's fellow Gryffindors Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan. Kingsley had explained several times that he was forced to keep Harry out of the limelight as much as possible because he was simply too famous. He could not even work undercover, as his cases were usually leaked to the press and a mob of curious onlookers would show up trying to catch a glimpse of Harry Potter.

Instead, he was typically given assignments in Muggle parts of Britain where he would not be recognized. The expression on Kingsley's face quelled Harry's initial burst of hope. Another stupid, useless case then. Harry sighed.

"Malfoy, freeze," Kingsley yelled, stopping the blond partway out the door. Malfoy turned back curiously. "I might be able to use your help on this case."

Malfoy returned to the room immediately. If there was one thing the blond lived for, it was to be helpful so that he could bask in glory and whatever reward might be forthcoming. Harry rolled his eyes.

"Something financial?" Malfoy asked politely.

"You are a registered Animagus, are you not?" Kingsley asked. Harry's brows shot up in surprise when Malfoy nodded. The grey eyes were instantly shuttered.

"You are?" Harry asked.

"Of course I am. I don't spend all my time counting Galleons, you know."

"No, I didn't know," Harry said. "I can't imagine you doing anything else, even in your spare time."

"That just shows how well you know me, doesn't it, Potter?"

Harry felt chastened by the comment, although he wasn't sure why. It wasn't like he and Malfoy were friends. Even though he saw the blond on a weekly basis, it always regarded business matters, except when Malfoy occasionally brought Harry a cup of coffee or a chocolate bar. Sometimes a sandwich. Fuck, maybe he really was a friend and Harry had simply never acknowledged it.

"You two can work out your personal issues later," Kingsley said bluntly. "Right now I want to see your Animagus form, Malfoy."

"Now?" the blond asked.

Kingsley crossed his arms and glared. Not even Malfoy could withstand a patented Shacklebolt stare for long. The Slytherin sighed heavily.

"All right. No bloody comments from you, Potter," he threatened.

Harry stood up, blatantly curious. He had not even known Malfoy was an Animagus, much less had any idea what sort of creature he could transform into. Malfoy's features seemed to melt for a brief instant and then he disappeared completely. Harry hurried around the desk and looked down in amazement before he laughed.

"A snake. Malfoy's a snake. How appropriate."

 _Very funny, Potter_ , the snake hissed and Harry grinned as he bent down to pick up the green reptile. He realized with a particular thrill of delight that he had not spoken Parseltongue in years.

"Malfoy, you are the cutest snake I've ever seen!" Harry exclaimed as the Animagus wrapped his tail firmly around his wrist and stuck out his tongue.

 _Of course I am_. Harry had not known snakes could preen, but Malfoy managed it.

"What sort of snake are you?" Harry asked.

" _Atheris squamigera_.  Bush Viper," Kingsley replied. He had Conjured Malfoy's Animagus file, apparently, and was reading from it. "Poisonous, native of African rain forests. Often hangs by its tail from branches to drop upon its unsuspecting prey."

"That's not surprising," Harry added. "And he's cute." Malfoy was the most unusual snake Harry had ever seen. His scales were rather long and pointed, making him resemble a bristly, almost furry-looking reptile. He was bright green.

 _Vipers are not cute, Potter. I am very dangerous._

 _Dangerous and cute_ , Harry said in Parseltongue. He swiped a finger between the snake's eyes and caressed back over the scales, flattening them down slightly.

 _Are you petting me?_

Harry nearly dropped the Slytherin when he suddenly remembered who was hiding beneath the fluffy green scales. Luckily, Malfoy's tail was quite firmly wrapped around Harry's wrist and the sudden jerking movement merely caused him to sway slightly. He hissed. Harry did not bother to translate.

"Excellent. Malfoy, you'll be working with Harry on this case."

Harry suddenly found himself flat on the floor with a lapful of angry blond.

"What?" Malfoy snapped. "I can't work with Potter! I'm no Auror! I don't even work for the Ministry. I work for Gringotts!"

"And your contract specifically states that if need should arise, you can be requisitioned by the head of any Ministry department. Since I am the head of _every_ Ministry department and I've decided the need has arisen, you are hereby a temporary member of the Auror Department. There will, of course, be the usual salary adjustment, plus a bonus."

Malfoy had apparently been about to protest, but the mention of monetary gain caused him to shift gears. Harry watched a calculating look enter the grey eyes. He vaguely wondered when the blond planned to stop sitting on him, but decided not to mention it.

"What about hazard pay? I assume this has something to do with my Animagus ability?"

Kingsley sighed. "This is probably going to cost me more than it's worth, but it does need to be halted or the Muggle Liaison Office is going to have my head. All right, get off of Potter and I'll explain the case to you both."

Malfoy looked down, seeming to realize he was straddling Harry for the first time. A wicked grin crossed his features. "This is probably the closest you've come to a shag in months, eh, Potter?"

Harry bucked his hips and sent the blond sprawling on the floor, laughing.

"Shut up, Malfoy," Harry said, annoyed mostly because the statement had been true. He got to his feet and crossed back to his chair. Kingsley took another seat and Malfoy Transfigured a rickety metal chair into a cushioned throne. _Bloody show off_ , Harry thought as Malfoy lounged on the seat with a slim ankle crossed over one knee. He winked at Harry.

"All right, here is the scenario, Potter, Malfoy. Someone has been smuggling magical creatures into Muggle pet shops. We are not certain if it is some sort of prank or if their intentions are more serious, but the Muggle Liaison Office is getting very upset. Regardless of why they are doing it, we need to stop it."

"What sort of creatures?" Harry asked.

"Nothing dangerous so far, but we have recovered two Clabberts, a Niffler, and a Fwooper. Luckily, the Fwooper was still under the influence of a Silencing Spell before its song could drive any Muggles to insanity, but the Niffler completely demolished the ground floor of its Muggle owner's flat before we captured it. Not only did we have to Obliviate the Muggle residents, but we also had to open a water pipe and flood half the building to explain the damage."

"What about the Clabberts?"

"The Clabberts were the reason we discovered the smuggling operation at all. Henderson has a Muggle wife and just happened to enter a pet shop to procure a pet for his son when he was surprised to see two Clabberts in a cage. Apparently the Muggles thought they were some sort of mutated primates. Henderson called in immediately and we began the investigation."

"So what do you want us to do, then?"

"We've pinpointed the general region and staked out several likely stores as possible targets. Malfoy will have to infiltrate and keep his ears open for unusual activity."

"Snakes don't have ears," Harry pointed out.

Kingsley threw him a quelling glare and Harry grinned.

"So I have to lounge around in a cage all day long?"

"I thought lounging was what you did best, Malfoy," Harry said.

"I'll have you know I have a very busy job, Potter. More challenging than yours, by all accounts."

Harry's jaw tightened and he threw a look at Kingsley, who stood abruptly. Harry's lack of challenge was a sore point that the Minister always chose to avoid.

"We will arrange for Harry to work in the shop so that you two can remain in touch. I would prefer not to use Polyjuice, but we're not sure if a Glamour will be sufficient, so the Potion might be our only recourse. Harry will have to use it to begin with, regardless. We have several random Muggle hairs available on file with photos attached, so you can find one that suits you."

"Oh, can I choose?" Malfoy offered quickly.

"No, you cannot," Harry said adamantly.

"Why not? I'll be the one forced to look at you," the blond said rationally. Harry rolled his eyes.

"I don't care who picks out the damned Muggle disguise, just so long as one is chosen. I want you two installed in Polly's Pets when it opens tomorrow morning. Johnson has already gone in and laid the groundwork with the owner—she's expecting a new employee as well as an exotic snake to put on display. Naturally, Malfoy will not be for sale."

"Well thank Merlin for that or there would be a Muggle fatality shortly after my purchase," Malfoy said.

"That reminds me," Kingsley said. "No biting Muggles, Malfoy."

The blond tossed his head, but Harry noticed he made no promises.

Malfoy insisted on accompanying Harry to the Auror storeroom where the Muggle hairs were kept. The clerk was an auburn-haired girl who alternated between flustered awe at being in close proximity to the Man Who Lived and giddy delight at being in close proximity to the Man Who Flirted. Malfoy fawned over her until Harry was ready to wretch. He thought the poor girl might actually faint at one point. The damned blond insisted on seeing every Muggle photo on file and held them up next to Harry's increasingly scowling face.

"What do you think, Faye? The redhead is out, of course. I can't abide staring at freckles all day long. They give me hives."

Faye giggled. "How about this blond one, then?"

Malfoy made a scoffing noise. "No, it would only make Potter feel more inferior to be such a substandard blond next to me."

"Malfoy," Harry warned.

Another photo was pressed against Harry's cheek. "Well, this one is dark-haired at least. And vaguely handsome."

"Oh yes," Faye agreed. "Not nearly as handsome as Auror Potter, though."

Malfoy sighed as though regretful. "No. Not nearly so."

Harry snatched a random photo from the pile. "I'm taking this one!" he snapped and stalked out. He heard Malfoy placating the clerk and then the blond trotted after him. Before Malfoy could speak, Harry said, "I'll meet you in my office at eight a.m. tomorrow, Malfoy."

Before he Disapparated, Harry heard Malfoy wail, "Eight? In the _morning_?"

Harry grinned.

He almost felt sorry for Malfoy the next day. Obviously, he was far from a morning person, if his never-ending moaning was any indication.

"Potter, kill me now. Put me out of my misery and end my torment at being awake at this hellish hour."

Malfoy sat in the same chair he had Transfigured the previous day, nursing a cup of strong tea. Despite his complaints, he looked perfectly put together. Harry could not have pulled off such a look with a two-hour head start.

"Don't tempt me, Malfoy."

The blond glared at him and drank his tea.

"You have no pity, Potter. You have lost your inner Gryffindor. Your wretched stint as an Auror has turned you into a cold, cold man. You are jaded, Potter. Jaded!"

Harry bit the inside of his cheek to keep from yelling at the blond and rubbed his temples. It was too early for a headache, but damned if he didn't feel a doozy coming on. He managed a reasonable tone after counting to seventy-two silently. "Malfoy, if you're that tired, you can transform into your Animagus form now and sleep in the box."

Unfortunately, that provoked an entirely new tirade.

"A box? I am to be kept in a _box_?"

In the end, Harry abandoned his office and let Kingsley deal with the irritated Animagus. Shortly before nine, a very annoyed Minister located Harry in the Auror break room where he'd been hiding while having a chat with Seamus. A snake-filled box was thrust into Harry's hands.

"Don't bring him back here," Kingsley warned. " _Ever_."

A hiss sounded from the interior of the box. _Just wait until my next audit, Shacklebolt._ Harry sighed and headed out with his cranky new partner. It was going to be a long assignment.


	2. Hissy Fit Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter Two**

**Chapter Two**

It was far worse than Harry expected. The pet store smelled of animals, Harry's Polyjuiced form was portly and annoying, and even as a snake Malfoy _never shut up_. Harry pretended to sweep floors and stock shelves while keeping a suspicious eye out for possible wizards or anyone entering with animals. Malfoy kept up a permanent running hiss of complaints until Harry felt like stuffing him into a shipping crate and sending him to Siberia.

 _It stinks in here, Potter. And my sunlamp isn't warm enough. What sort of ridiculous light source is that? Can you not cast a Heating Charm on this glass box? And what the hell is up with these stupid pebbles? Don't you know I'm a rain forest snake? I live amongst the trees and vines. I do not live on gritty sand and rocks. And where did you get those clothes? It's bad enough you chose a Muggle form that looks like it was dropped repeatedly on its face as a child, but did you also have to pick the worst clothes in all of London? Plaid was invented by those too tasteless to be seen in simple, classic colors. And who told them that red and olive belonged together? Red and olive should never be seen together, Potter. Never. Do yourself a favor and drop that shirt into the piranha tank._

Finally, Harry busied himself on the other side of the store, out of range of the petulant hissing. During Harry's Malfoy Avoidance Plan, he surreptitiously cast several spells to detect trace magical signatures. There was nothing detectable, which meant the store probably _was_ a likely target. Harry only wished the assignment wasn't quite so boring. The smuggler could have been selling pets to stores all over London. Just because this shop met the criteria for "likely" did not mean it would be targeted. Even if it was, it could be days or even weeks.

Harry finished mundane chores such as sweeping and shelf-stocking before finally getting bored enough to return to Malfoy. The Animagus was curled up in a corner of the glass cage, asleep. _Cutest snake ever_ , Harry thought absently. He was tempted to reach in and wake him by stroking a finger over the strange scales, but remembered at the last moment that Malfoy was venomous. He would probably bite Harry in a fit of pique at being awakened.

One reptilian eye opened and peered at him. _I'm getting hungry, Potter, and no, you will not throw some vile creature in here for me to eat, so leave off the biteworthy suggestions unless you have an Antivenin Spell at the ready._

Harry made a mental note to learn such a spell as soon as possible. He had a feeling he was going to need it. Harry checked the time. They had missed the usual lunch hour. Only a few patrons had come into the shop to buy pet food, collars, and fish. Fish seemed to be the best sellers. Regardless, even fish-purchasers had been absent for quite some time.

"I guess we could close up shop and get something to eat," Harry said.

 _It's about time you came up with a good idea._

"Are you going to change back?"

 _Not here, Potter. Wouldn't that sort of negate the whole undercover idea?_

"I meant after we got outside and went somewhere suitable, of course."

 _Oh. Then, yes. I don't think I want to partake of sushi in reptile form._

"Sushi? Who said anything about sushi? I'm not eating sushi."

 _Stop being such a peasant, Potter. Now get me out of this cage immediately. I don't like it in here. But keep me warm! You know I cannot generate my own body heat._

"How do you propose I do that?" Harry demanded as he carefully lifted the green reptile from the case. "You expect me to carry you around in a blanket?"

Harry never knew snakes could sigh. He supposed they probably didn't in the wild. But this Bush Viper managed it. _Just put me around your neck, Potter. I promise not to bite you… now._

With that comforting thought, Harry dropped the snake around his neck. Malfoy immediately looped around Harry's throat and he realized that although the snake had promised not to bite him, it had said nothing about strangling. The scales relaxed somewhat and Malfoy's head rested against his collarbone. He felt the tongue flick out and tickle his skin.

 _Move along, Potter_.

Harry sighed and locked the store before leaving through the back entrance. The alley looked relatively safe for Malfoy's transformation, but the Slytherin apparently preferred to take no chances. He refused to do so until Harry had carried him for blocks, making suggestion after suggestion regarding lunch options until Harry wondered if a Silencing Charm would be worth the price of Malfoy's vengeance. Probably not.

In the end, a nice secluded alcove was discovered and Harry carefully placed the obnoxious reptile on the ground. It instantly turned into an obnoxious human. Malfoy carefully dusted off his robes and then continued his previously hissed conversation as though uninterrupted. "And although I could pass suitability for Elana's, you would not be allowed past the threshold dressed as you are. Ewww, Potter, in fact, I refuse to be seen with you at all in that lumpy state."

"Look, can we just grab some fish and chips or a sandwich and get back to the shop?"

"What are fish and chips?"

Harry stared at him and realized that fish and chips was a distinctly Muggle invention. "Malfoy, you have not lived until you've tasted the wonder that is deep fried cod and piping hot chips. Come on."

A street-side stand was quickly located and Harry ordered for them both. He grabbed a plastic fork and knife, instinctively knowing the blond could not be expected to eat with his pureblood fingers. They sat at a tiny outdoor table in moulded plastic chairs. Malfoy looked at the food dubiously and sniffed when Harry picked up a scalding piece of fish and bit into it with a sigh of bliss, even though the hot oil burned his tongue. He watched as Malfoy cut off a tiny square with the plastic utensils and raised it carefully to his lips. The white teeth closed over the fork and withdrew. He chewed experimentally and then shrugged.

"Acceptable, Potter," he said and Harry released a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. What did he care if the blond liked fish and chips or not? Still, he knew the words were high praise from the snobbish devil and suppressed a grin. "How much did it cost?"

"Cost?" Harry glanced at the receipt and handed it to Malfoy, who converted the Pounds to Sickles with a speed that shocked Harry.

"Well, at least your next expense report won't be rejected for overspending. Not yet, at any rate," Malfoy said and used the fork to place a chip in his mouth.

"No, it will be rejected for some other cocked-up reason," Harry muttered and Malfoy arched a brow at him.

"Excuse me, Potter?"

"Never mind," Harry said and concentrated on finishing his meal.

They ate in silence for a time and then Malfoy said, "I do believe the girl behind the counter is checking you out, Potter. She must be into the short, squat, and ugly type."

Harry looked up in surprise and then glanced over at the counter where a young dark-haired girl had her hands propped beneath her chin while she stared at them with a dreamy expression. Harry made a scoffing noise. The girl was definitely mooning over Malfoy. "Right," he said and mopped up the last of his vinegar with a chip remnant.

"You know, you are getting quite a reputation at the Ministry," Malfoy continued and Harry glared at him, hoping to shut down the line of discussion before it led to wherever Malfoy intended.

"How would you know? You don't work at the Ministry, as you are so fond of telling everyone."

"Well, I do spend a lot of time there," Malfoy admitted and Harry snorted.

"Yes, dissecting my expense vouchers."

Malfoy ignored that. Harry watched as he slowly sliced another bit of fish with the plastic knife. Bloody hell, the blond ate slowly. His food had to be cold by now and yet Malfoy seemed to be barely half finished. Harry took a drink of his bottled water and settled back in his chair for a wait.

"Nevertheless, I have to wonder about you, Potter."

"I really wish you wouldn't."

"Everyone wonders about you, Potter. It's part of your Golden Boy mystique. The speculation, the gossip, the fantasies…"

"What are you talking about?" Harry snapped, wishing Malfoy would just eat already and stop chattering. He almost wished for their days of enmity. Yes, Malfoy had been constantly plotting against him, but at least he had been quiet.

"I'm talking about your inability to commit to a relationship, of course," Malfoy said after taking a ludicrous amount of time to chew a single bite. "Actually, your inability to commit to even a one-off, if rumour is correct."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Malfoy shrugged. "It is well known that you have gone out with every unattached female in the Ministry. It is just as well known that you have not slept with a single one. Tell me, Potter, is there a problem with the plumbing? Do you have performance issues?"

Harry's glare should have frozen the blond on the spot. If nothing else, it should have shut him up. "I do not have performance issues and there is nothing wrong with the plumbing," he said through clenched teeth. "And we are not having this discussion."

"Of course we are," Malfoy said. "Here we are, having batter-fried Atlantic cod and chatting about our love lives just like a couple of mates."

"We are not mates," Harry gritted.

"How long since you've had a shag, Potter?"

"I am not discussing my love life with you, Malfoy."

"Ohhh, that long?" Malfoy said and leaned forward conspiratorially. "What happened? Did you try to get it up for the Weaselette and the experience scarred you so badly it turned you away from women permanently?"

Harry stood up angrily. "Are you finished?"

Malfoy sighed. "I suppose. Since you insist on being rude and cutting our lunch hour short. I was right about the women, though, was I not?"

Harry turned and started down the street. If he reached the Apparition point without Malfoy, he was leaving the blond behind and continuing the stupid mission alone. Unfortunately, he heard footsteps following along behind him.

"Don't feel bad, Potter. Lots of blokes like men. It's no big deal. These are modern times, after all."

"I do _not_ like men, Malfoy," Harry said.

"You do not like men _or_ women? What does that leave, Potter? Tell me you are not into _animals_? Merlin! What were you doing in that shop while you avoided me for several hours?" Malfoy put his hands dramatically over his ears. "No! Tell me not! Some things are too heinous even for a Malfoy's sensibilities!"

Harry reached out and yanked one hand away from Malfoy's ear. "Knock it off!" he yelled. "I like women, all right? Women. Not men, not animals, and not any other sort of creature. _Women_. Okay? Can we drop the fucking subject now?"

"Of course, Potter. I had no idea your personal inadequacies were such a touchy topic. I can help you, you know, if you can't… get it up. There are spells and things—"

"Transform. Now," Harry said, hardly trusting himself to speak.

"All right, Potter. Hang onto your denial if you must."

The air shimmered slightly and the bright green snake curled near Harry's shoe. He bent to pick it up, holding the reptile behind the head. He might have squeezed a bit harder than warranted.

 _Bad form, Potter, choking a defenceless animal_ , the snake hissed.

"Defenceless? You're fucking poisonous!"

 _Yes, well, I can hardly bite you in this position, now can I?_

Harry planned to keep it that way. He took a quick gulp of Polyjuice to maintain his dumpy form for another hour and then Apparated them back to the point near the store. He kept a grip on Malfoy's reptilian throat and the snake curled around his forearm. Once in the shop, he tossed the viperous Slytherin into the tank and spent the rest of the afternoon out of hissing range.

At the end of the day, Harry took Malfoy from his confinement, ignored him completely, and dropped him on the ground when they reached a secluded spot.

"See you tomorrow," he said curtly and Disapparated.

He complained bitterly to Kingsley the next morning.

"This is a waste of time," Harry said. "And Malfoy is useless. All he does is bitch. And ask prying questions. And whine. Frankly, he never shuts up."

"Deal with it. He might come in handy," Kingsley said flatly. Harry's eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"You're trying to keep him out of the Ministry, aren't you? You insisted on this ridiculous assignment because you don't want him here. What's going on?"

Kingsley's expression confirmed Harry's assumptions. The door slammed and locked. "Look, I'm not hiding anything. It's just that the initial budget figures for the year are due this week and it's bad enough dealing with the damned department heads without Gringott's getting involved and demanding a detailed analysis of each projected expenditure. I can't keep them out, of course, and they have already sent Malfoy's replacement. However, this one is a piece of cake compared to Malfoy. You know what the bastard is like. He'll spend hours on the smallest bit of minutiae just for the sheer enjoyment of annoying the hell out of us. If you keep him busy, the budgeting process will go twice as fast and I can get on with running the damned Ministry rather than catering to a pompous demon with an over-inflated sense of duty."

"So this whole animal smuggling thing is bogus?" Harry asked, outraged.

Kingsley sighed. "No, Potter. The threat is real. Two Muggles have already been injured and the Obliviators are demanding action, since each incident requires memory modification not only of the victim, but also everyone the Muggle comes in contact with—friends, family, hospital staff…"

"All right," Harry said, partially mollified. At least the case was valid, although it seemed no more serious than most of the other half-arsed cases Harry had been sent on in the past year. He gnawed the inside of his cheek in annoyance. There were still Death Eaters on the loose and Harry was looking for a pet smuggler and babysitting a financial irritant. "Fine. I'll play nursemaid to the blond demon and keep him out of your hair. But when this case is done, we are going to have a serious chat about my role within the Auror Department. Count on it."

With that threat hanging in the air, Harry stalked down to the Atrium where he had agreed to meet Malfoy. Oddly, the blond did not seem annoyed at being snubbed the previous day. He sat in a cosy-looking chair and sipped at a paper cup.

"This tea is substandard, Potter," Malfoy said by way of greeting. "For the amount of money the Ministry spends on tea each year, you would think they could hire someone capable of making a decent cup. Do you have any idea—?"

"No, Malfoy, I do not have any idea how much the Ministry spends on tea every year and I would appreciate you not enlightening me on the subject. Can we just go?"

The blond made no move to rise. "You know, Potter, I've been thinking about this whole stakeout business. Frankly, it seems foolish and wasteful. At your ridiculous salary, you should not be wasted sweeping floors in a Muggle pet shop on the off chance a smuggler will happen by, not to mention the amount Kingsley has foolishly agreed to pay me, which I will definitely be bringing up at the next audit, I can assure—"

"For once, Malfoy, you're absolutely right."

The grey eyes shot to Harry's in surprise and Harry grinned. It was almost worth speaking those words to see the astonishment on Malfoy's face. He looked almost cute with his lips rounded in an O of surprise… The expression faded almost instantly into suspicion. Harry's grin widened.

"I've been thinking about this, too. I think rather than catching the smuggler in the act, it might be easier to determine where he is acquiring the creatures and stop this at the source. After all, even in the wizarding world, Clabberts are not easy to buy."

Malfoy cocked a brow, apparently unwilling to admit that Harry had managed to drum up a good idea.

"I suggest we go to Hogwarts and have a talk with Hagrid."

The blond shot to his feet with an oath. "Bloody hell, Potter, you could not have mentioned this plan of yours earlier? Say _before_ I climbed out of my silk sheets and dragged myself all the way down here? Enjoy your visit with the oaf. I am going back to bed."

Malfoy Vanished his cup and stalked toward one of the fireplaces.

"It's your choice," Harry called casually. "I'll be sure to drop by Kingsley's office and let him know you're not to be paid for today. In the interest of saving funds and all that, right?"

Malfoy spun on a heel and marched back to Harry. "On second thought, you need someone to keep you on task. Knowing you, that idiot Hagrid will start reminiscing and you'll get all teary-eyed and waste valuable resources wandering down memory lane rather than asking pertinent questions. I should come along to make sure you are doing your job and not simply visiting with your friends on company time."

Harry shrugged. "Suit yourself."

"I am, however, remaining in my Animagus form. I have no wish to talk with anyone at Hogwarts."

"Suits me," Harry said. Either way, he would not escape the Slytherin's biting comments, but at least as a snake his friends would be spared. "You might want to change now, rather than risk being seen. I'm Apparating straight to Hogsmeade."

After a brief argument, Harry accompanied Malfoy to the loo so that he could alter his shape in relative secrecy. Harry admitted it was a good idea to keep Malfoy's ability under wraps. Harry wrapped the viper around his wrist and yelped when the snake wound its way up his arm.

"What are you doing?" he cried, barely managing not to shake his arm wildly in an effort to dislodge the creature.

 _Stop being twitchy, I came up here so you can hear me. And you swing your arms too much when you walk. It makes me dizzy_. The snake wrapped itself around Harry's neck and parked its little venomous head close to Harry's ear.

"Did you ever think I might not want to hear you?" Harry asked grumpily.

 _Tosh, Potter, of course you do. Are you planning to leave any time soon, or shall we just hang about in the loo all day? Granted, I would prefer that to meeting with your dreadful friends, but I'm sure the Ministry does not pay your exorbitant salary for you to shirk your duties. Time is money, Potter. Time is money._

"Malfoy, do you plan to ever shut up?"

The snake squeezed Harry's neck lightly in response, but was blessedly quiet long enough for Harry to exit the room and Disapparate.


	3. Hissy Fit Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter Three**

**Chapter Three**

Harry walked easily through the village. It was far too early for most of Hogsmeade's businesses to be open, so the place was quiet and nearly empty of pedestrians. The sole exception seemed to be the bakery. Several wizards entered and exited the doors and the delightful scent of sweet baked goods reached Harry's nose.

 _Pastries, Potter. I need pastries. And decent tea. I'll bet they make fine tea there, unlike that swill they concoct at the Ministry._

"Snakes do not eat pastries and they do not drink tea," Harry said in irritation. "Besides, was it not you that said 'time is money' not five minutes ago?"

 _I'll pay you to stop and buy me a cup of tea. Come on, your oafish friend is likely not even awake yet._

"I'll buy you a bloody cup of tea if you promise not to hiss at me for at least an hour. That means no talking whatsoever."

The snake's tail twitched in what Harry thought was quite a petulant manner. Harry paused near the shop door to allow the heavenly scents to tempt the irritating viper.

 _No deal, Potter. But rest assured, I shall get you for this._

Harry rolled his eyes. "For the love of Merlin," he snarled. He stalked into the shop and ordered a cup of tea and a croissant. "How do you plan to eat it now, you unmitigated prat?"

 _Find somewhere secluded for me to change back, of course._

Harry felt like tearing at his hair, but his hands were full of pastry and tea. In the end he stomped up to the Shrieking Shack and cast a few spells until the door gave and allowed entry.

Malfoy changed back the instant they were inside. "Are you mad, Potter? Don't you know this place is haunted?"

"It hasn't been haunted for a very long time," Harry said as he handed his purchases to the hungry blond. His eyes sought the stairs and he felt a familiar twinge of sadness when he remembered the night they had discovered Sirius.

"Well, haunted or not, it's filthy," Malfoy said with a sniff before gulping at his tea in a rather un-patrician fashion. He made a moaning sound of pleasure that drew Harry's surprised gaze. "Excellent tea. The croissant is a bit dry, but one cannot have everything, I suppose."

Harry rolled his eyes. He doubted _anything_ would satisfy the blond. "Shall we take the secret way to Hogwarts?" Harry asked. He decided it wouldn't matter whether or not he showed Malfoy the passage beneath the Whomping Willow; as a snake Malfoy would have easy access to Hogwarts whenever he chose.

The grey eyes snapped to Harry's. "What secret way?"

The passage was even more root-bound than Harry remembered, and several sections seemed about to come down and seal the passage forever. Malfoy lasted little more than a few minutes before the litany of complaints began.

"Well, this certainly explains a lot," he said peevishly. "Is this how you got to Hogsmeade the time you threw things at me from under the cover of your little cloak?"

"No," Harry admitted. "That was a different way." He batted at a thick patch of spider webs and shook his hand to dislodge several of the crawling residents.

"Absolutely not," Malfoy said. "I am not going down there and getting spiders in my hair. Why did you insist on taking this filthy, dark, horrifying route, Potter? You chose it to annoy me, did you not? You are an evil, evil man. For that, I will allow you to carry me."

Harry turned back, but the blond had vanished. He raised his wand to see where Malfoy had gone and a slither of movement at his feet drew his attention. The green viper twisted around his ankle and spiralled up to Harry's knee. Harry's eyes widened in alarm as the snake climbed. When the triangular head reached his thigh, Harry reached down and snatched the creature.

"What are you doing?" he asked. He tugged, but Malfoy refused to remove his tail from Harry's leg. The snake constricted rather painfully.

 _Climbing. What does it look like? Bush Vipers are excellent climbers, you know. Impressive, is it not?_

Harry might have been impressed if the idea of Malfoy crawling all over his body had not provoked some irrational thoughts.

 _Let go_.

"You let go."

 _You'll drop me. I want you to carry me_.

"I'll carry you if you shut up and stop complaining."

 _I'm not complaining, I'm merely pointing out the inadequacies of this route you have chosen_.

"This will get us there much quicker than standing at the front gates and waiting for admission. Now let go." _I'll carry you, all right_?

 _Oh, I like it when you do that_.

"Do what?"

 _Speak in Parseltongue. I don't have to translate your human speech. It's much easier._

 _I'll keep that in mind_. Harry hadn't realized Malfoy had been converting his words into snake language. He had not even noticed that Malfoy could understand him, an advantage an Animagus definitely had over a normal animal.

The snake released Harry's leg and he lifted Malfoy to drop the coils over his shoulders. The viper quickly wrapped himself around Harry's neck like a collar.

 _Much better. Wake me when we get there_.

Harry wasn't sure if Malfoy actually fell asleep or not, but at least the bastard stayed quiet, so Harry enjoyed the silence until he popped his head out of the passage beneath the Whomping Willow. He pressed the notch to stop the tree moving and looked around for stray students. The coast seemed to be clear.

Once free of the twitching branches, a quick spell released the stasis. The tree thrashed angrily and Harry waved at it before making his way to Hagrid's hut. He knocked quietly, uncertain if Hagrid would be home or up at the castle having breakfast with the students. A bellow answered the question.

Harry opened the door and the huge man turned from the fireplace with a gigantic kettle.

"Harry!" he cried. "Good to see you, boy! Come in, come in!"

The coils tightened around Harry's throat. _Oh joy, we're here. Can he not speak in anything less than a shout? Some of us are trying to catch up on our sleep_.

"Hello, Hagrid," Harry said, ignoring the pest.

"Sit and 'ave some tea. What brings you to Hogwarts?"

Harry sat, but did not dare taste the tea Hagrid poured into a flagon-sized mug. Merlin only knew what bizarre concoction Hagrid considered to be tea these days. Instead he made a show of adding milk and stirring it carefully.

"Actually, I came to talk to you about a case I'm working on. I could use your help."

Hagrid sat down across from Harry with a pleased grin. "My 'elp, eh? I'll be glad ter 'elp you, Harry."

Harry smiled. "Great. You see, someone has been smuggling magical creatures into Muggle pet stores."

Hagrid's eyes widened and his grin vanished. He lifted his mug and took a huge gulp before slamming it back on the table. "Muggle pet shops, eh?"

Harry nodded and pretended to drink. The smell alone warned him away from even tasting the liquid. "Yeah. As you can imagine, some of the creatures are pretty dangerous to ordinary Muggles."

 _Yes, yes, the poor Muggles. Get on with the questioning, Potter. I don't intend to be here all day listening to you make small talk_.

Harry scowled, but Hagrid leaned forward curiously.

"Harry! Yer got a pet!"

"Erm… yes. My new… companion."

Hagrid reached across the table excitedly.

 _If one filthy finger touches me, Potter, I will bite you and you will die._

Harry jerked back from Hagrid's grasping hands with a yelp of alarm, raising his arms protectively over the evil snake. Hagrid frowned at him.

"He's… ah… a bit twitchy," Harry explained.

 _Twitchy_? Harry sensed indignation in the hiss just before the coils nearly snuffed his airflow. He tried to curl his fingers between the snake and his neck, but Malfoy was having none of it.

 _He's not touching you, damn it!_ Harry hissed in Parseltongue.

The coils loosened, allowing Harry's lungs access to air once more. _See that he doesn't._

Harry would have snarled at the viper, but Hagrid's curious look prevented a lengthy rant.

"Ye talking to him?" Hagrid asked.

"Yes. I'm telling him to behave," Harry said, earning another squeeze, but by then his fingers had slipped between the scaled menace and his throat. "And if he doesn't act like a nice little serpent I'm going to turn him into a _belt_."

Malfoy's hiss was not worth translating and Harry grinned at Hagrid. "Anyway, enough about my new pet. I'm here to see if you can help me."

Hagrid stood abruptly and shuffled to a nearby cupboard. "Don't see how I can help ye, Harry."

"As I mentioned, someone has been smuggling magical creatures into Muggle pet shops. I was hoping you could give me some idea where someone would go to purchase such creatures. Where do you acquire the animals you use for your classes? I never really asked you about that."

 _Such as hippogriffs? Stupid oaf bringing such vicious beasts into a school. He should be—_

Hagrid interrupted the peevish hissing. "Ministry approved sources, o' course," Hagrid said quickly.

 _Did that sound dodgy to you, Potter? It sounded dodgy to me and I'm not a trained Auror._

"I'm not investigating you, Hagrid, I'm trying to find out where a smuggler might go to get these creatures. I seriously doubt he is out combing caves for fire crabs."

"I don't know, Harry."

 _Ask him where he got the dragon in our first year._

 _I already know that_ , Harry replied. _He won't be using that source again_.

"Talkin' to your pet, Harry? What's 'is name?"

Harry was stumped for a moment. "Fluffy," he blurted.

 _Fluffy? I should bite you for your sheer stupidity. Snakes are not called Fluffy_!

"Fluffy, eh? I remember my Fluffy," Hagrid said in a reminiscing tone. "Professor Dumbledore made me send him back to Gringotts. I still miss him."

Harry remembered the three-headed dog with a start. Gringott's—he had never known where Hagrid had acquired Fluffy, but it made sense. The dog was likely guarding someone's vault, now.

Hagrid said suddenly. "Look at the time! I got me first class to get ready for. Sorry, Harry, can we talk later?"

"Sure, Hagrid. I'm going to go up and see Ron and Hermione. If you think of anything that might help, let me know, okay?"

Harry went out and Malfoy made an unsnakelike sound that resembled a snort. _That was productive. You know he's hiding something, don't you?_

"Yeah. I plan to ask Hermione what sort of creatures he is teaching with this year. He definitely knows more about questionable sources than he's letting on."

Harry opened the front door of the castle and stepped inside. Students milled here and there, mostly exiting the Great Hall where the morning meal was likely nearly over. Several students stared at Harry and an excited whisper rustled through the hall.

 _Oh joy, the celebrity is recognized_.

"Shut up, Malfoy."

"Harry!" The loud cry was all-too-familiar and Harry groaned. He turned reluctantly to see Colin Creevey hurrying forward. The ever-present camera hung from his neck. "Oy, Harry, what brings you here?"

 _Look, Potter, your own personal fanboy. Too bad snakes can't vomit._

Colin had not waited for Harry's response. "Hey, can I take your picture, Harry? What's that you're wearing? A green collar? That's new. I haven't seen that before. Newest thing in fashion?" Colin raised the camera and snapped several pictures in succession.

 _Collar_. Malfoy's amusement was unmistakable. _I guess that means I own you, eh, Potter?_

Harry did not dare reply, even in Parseltongue, lest Colin go off on yet another tangent. "Colin, stop with the pictures, please. I'm just visiting Ron and Hermione. Why are you here?" The Auror in him forced the question, though he preferred to escape Colin completely.

"Taking class photos! I'll be here all week. You staying long? Maybe we could have lunch together. I'd say breakfast, but I just ate and I've got my next shoot in a few minutes."

"Um… I'm not planning to stay long, Colin, but it was good to see you again."

"Yeah, we should get together, Harry! Maybe you can come for dinner."

Harry sidled away as quickly as he could. Snakes should not have been able to laugh, but Malfoy was doing a passable imitation of it. His scales tickled Harry's neck.

"Sounds good, Colin, see you later!"

Harry bolted, heading upstairs to find the Muggle Studies classroom.

 _Maybe you should go out with Creevey, Potter. He seems to like you. Perhaps he's more your type than the females you've been seeing_.

"Shut up, Malfoy," Harry said again. It was becoming automatic.

 _No, really. You seem to favour blonds, so_ —

"What? I do not!"

 _You haven't noticed? I certainly have. In fact, I made a list—_

"You did what?" Harry asked, stopping in the middle of the hallway and causing several students to look at him curiously. Brilliant. Harry Potter wandering the halls of Hogwarts shouting to himself. That would probably be in the Daily Prophet tomorrow, judging by the smirks on the faces of a few passing Slytherin students.

 _I made a list._

 _Why would you do that?_ he demanded, switching to Parseltongue.

 _You obviously need some help, so I'm making a chart in order to assist you._

A chart? _Look, Malfoy, I do not need you helping me with my love life. Absolutely not. In fact, I'd really prefer you not even thinking about it, all right?_

 _Are you going to see Granger now? I want to see if that horrific shrub she calls hair is still as bad as ever. It's a pity she shrank her beaver teeth back to size, I rather enjoyed that look on her._

Harry reached up and unwound the snake from around his neck. He draped Malfoy unceremoniously over the arm of a nearby statue. "How about if you stay right here and wait for me so that I won't want to hex you into something even more unpleasant than you are right now?"

With that, Harry continued down the hall and entered Hermione's classroom.

She looked up from her desk in surprise. "Harry!" She got to her feet and hurried to embrace him. He grinned as he squeezed her. "It's been so long!"

"Yeah, with both you and Ron working at Hogwarts, it's harder to get together, you know."

"We should still make an effort. It's not like Ron and I have to spend all our time here. How about if we meet you for dinner next Saturday? I miss you terribly and Ron is going spare with no one to talk Quidditch with."

"That sounds perfect," Harry said and realized that he had missed his friends, too.

"What brings you here?" she asked. "I doubt it was loneliness that drove you all the way to Hogwarts."

"Well, no, but I am glad to see you. I actually came to talk to Hagrid, even though that was something of a waste."

He sat on the edge of her desk and explained the situation with the magical creatures. She choked at his descriptions of Malfoy and his never-ending complaints.

"That's rotten of Kingsley to saddle you with him, it really is."

"Yes, well, I suppose that's why he's the Minister."

She tugged at his hand. "Let's go see Ron. His first class doesn't start for an hour. I'll see what I can find regarding sources for magical creatures, although it's a bit worrisome that Hagrid is being close-mouthed. I confess I haven't paid much attention to his classes. He seems to be fascinated with mine, however. He sits in on sessions whenever he can."

Harry blinked at her. "He does? Hagrid never struck me as the type to be all that interested in Muggles."

She shrugged. "Perhaps he's just bored, since Olympe returned to France to teach her own classes. They see each other on weekends, but I know he misses her."

The halls were nearly empty of students, who had hurried to their first classes while Harry had filled Hermione in on his case. He wasn't supposed to talk about his cases, of course, but he had never kept anything from his friends and he wasn't about to start now. She laughed as they made their way to Ron's classroom. "Malfoy is a snake. How fitting."

Harry nodded. "He's a really unusual snake. He's incredibly cute."

She looked at him curiously, perhaps sensing something in his tone he had not meant to convey. Damn her for always picking up on every nuance. Before she could question him, a very familiar scream met their ears.

"Ron!" Hermione yelled and bolted, right behind Harry. They flung open the door to Defence Against the Dark Arts to witness Ron hurling hexes at the floor.

"What is it?" Hermione shouted.

Harry cast a Shield Charm, immediately spotting _it_. He raced over and scooped the hissing viper from the floor.

 _What the hell are you doing?_ he demanded, echoing Ron's bellow.

"What are you doing, Harry? That thing is dangerous! It dropped on my bloody head when I walked in! It could have killed me!"

 _I was bored_ , Malfoy explained. _You were taking forever_.

 _So you thought you'd attack Ron? He could have hurt you!_

 _I didn't attack him, I was only—what? You were worried about me?_

Harry looped the snake over his shoulders, ignoring the question to face Ron.

"What did it say?" Ron asked.

"Ron, this is Draco Malfoy. He's an Animagus and he was just… being Malfoy."

The redhead's face darkened. "Malfoy?"

 _Oh fine. Spoil all of my fun_.

 _I wish you would stop considering baiting my friends as a form of entertainment._

 _Never happen, Potter_.

"Do I even want to know what he's doing here?" Ron asked. "And why the hell are you carrying him like that? I mean—it's _Malfoy_."

The snake curled itself familiarly around Harry's neck and his tongue flicked out to touch the edge of his jaw. Harry flushed at the touch. Even though he was in snake mode, Ron was right, it was still Malfoy. _Stop that_.

 _Stop what? You taste… sort of good, Potter_.

That statement evoked a response Harry did not care to analyse with Ron glaring at him suspiciously. "Kingsley saddled me with Malfoy for awhile. We're just… visiting," Harry admitted.

 _Saddled_?

Harry reached up to pet the snake's head, hoping to silence the indignant blond. Shockingly, it worked. Ron's brows nearly disappeared into his red hair, but Harry's glare warned him away from the obvious question. Harry did not dare look at Hermione.

"Um… so how's Defence Against the Dark Arts going?" Harry asked quickly. The coils around Harry's neck loosened slightly and a hiss of contentment reached Harry's ears.

"Fine," Ron said. "Good, actually. Much easier than fighting Death Eaters and running from You-Know-Who, that's certain."

Harry grinned.

 _Weasley teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts. Now I've seen everything._ Harry's fingers stilled and he scowled. _Don't stop, Potter. I like it._

Harry tried not to think too hard about the impropriety of petting one's partner, but he said, _Only if you promise to be quiet while I'm talking to my friends_. The snake was silent for so long Harry thought his ploy was not going to work, but then a grumpy-sounding hiss issued from the viper.

 _All right, but only if they don't say anything too stupid. I might not be able to resist._

As he resumed stroking the Animagus, he reflected that he was spending an inordinate amount of time trying to bribe Malfoy into silence.

Oddly, the soft touches seemed to put Malfoy to sleep. He said nothing else through Harry's conversation and even thereafter when Harry made his way through the halls to McGonagall's office, hoping to use her Floo. It was a long walk back to Hogsmeade and it would be nearly unbearable if Malfoy chose to wake up and engage in conversation. The quiet was shattered as soon as the rumbling began, revealing the staircase. Hermione had given Harry the password and he quickly took the steps to the Headmistress's office.

 _Where are you going now, Potter? Are we going to spend all day jaunting about the school? I thought we were supposed to be staking out pet shops etcetera._

"We are, but you were right about Hagrid acting dodgy. I want to warn McGonagall that he might be keeping another questionable pet." Unfortunately, McGonagall was not in attendance and Harry did not want to waste more time looking for her. He jotted a quick note and left it on her desk with a mental note to check in with Hermione more frequently. She and Ron had promised to keep an eye on the Care of Magical Creatures professor. Ron had been terrified at the idea of another acromantula or dragon in Hagrid's possession.

"All right, Malfoy, we're going."

Harry felt a strange lurch and then he was on the ground with his head between Malfoy's thighs. The Slytherin was sitting on his chest and his lower legs were trapped in Harry's shirt. Grey eyes blinked down at him in annoyed surprise, as though it were Harry's fault.

"What are you doing?" Harry demanded. The blond moved his feet and Harry yelped as Malfoy's boots scraped over his chest as he sought to escape. "Damn it! Can't you at least get off me before you transform? Change back!" His eyes widened as Malfoy fell forward, apparently losing his balance. The Slytherin's crotch was suddenly a dark blur before Harry's eyes. _Please don't let McGonagall walk in and witness the most undignified moment of my life_ , Harry thought.

"All right, Potter." The blond was suddenly a snake again and he slithered away from Harry before turning back into a human. Or as human as Malfoys ever got, at any rate. Harry glared at him.

"I want to see my mother," Malfoy said.

Harry paused in the act of climbing to his feet and gaped at the blond. "What? What does that have to do with anything?"

"We're already in Scotland and she's staying near Aberdeen."

"That doesn't answer my question," Harry said as he stood and patted the dust from his backside.

"I just want to see her," Malfoy said petulantly.

Harry rolled his eyes. "What about squandering Ministry funds and all that?"

The silver eyes flashed. "You visited your bloody friends on company time!"

"All right, all right!" Harry said quickly. He was definitely not in the mood to listen to another Malfoy diatribe regarding his misuse of time and resources. "We'll go see your mum. But you get to come up with a reason in case Shacklebolt asks."

Malfoy smirked.

 _Author's Note: For those that asked, there will probably be ten chapters to this fic..._


	4. Hissy Fit Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter Four**

**Chapter Four**

Of course, Malfoy had no actual address for his mother in Aberdeen, so Harry ended up carrying him across the grounds to the gates of Hogwarts so they could Apparate. Naturally, the damned nuisance kept up a running commentary the entire way.

 _As I was saying, since you prefer blondes, the next step is to determine what it was about each blonde that turned you off. We could do this with all the people you've dated, of course, but since your preference clearly leans toward the pale-haired, it is far more productive to start there and see if we can determine a pattern_.

"I am not discussing this with you," Harry gritted.

 _First we have Luna Lovegood, although I'm really at a loss as to why you would even go there. Yes, she is buxom enough and has decent legs, but really, the instant she opens her mouth the familial insanity spews forth like a river. That must kill the mood in six seconds flat_.

"Not. Discussing. This."

 _Needless to say, the reason that date became an ill-fated bid for freedom has been duly noted. Although it's been suggested that the more unstable they are mentally, the more extreme they are in the bedchamber. You probably regret not attempting to verify that fact, eh, Potter?_

"Huh, then you must be a complete explosion of extremity in the sack," Harry muttered.

 _What was that, Potter_?

"Nothing," Harry said loudly.

 _Well then, your next attempt at blonde bliss was Hannah Hufflepuff._

"Abbott," Harry corrected absently, wishing he could stop listening and walk faster than the near-run he already managed.

 _Whatever. Hufflepuff is Hufflepuff. Which also suggests why date number two ended in disaster_.

"It was not a disaster! I simply took her home and dropped her off."

 _With a nice peck on the cheek, no doubt. Seriously, Potter, what have you done with your libido? Hannah might be a mousy little Hufflepuff, but it's rumoured she will sleep with anything in pants and has a kink involving silk ties and sneezing powder._

 _"What?"_

 _Never mind, Potter. That ship has sailed. Hannah married some foreign diplomat from the Department of International Commerce. Her wicked kinks are now his property, never to be sampled by the Boy Who Lived. You had your chance, Potter_.

"Can we stop talking about this?" Of course the blond menace would never be deterred that easily _._

 _The next one to attempt to lasso the Great Potter was Daphne Greengrass, although rumour has it that Zacharias Smith made a bid in between her and Susan Bones, who is not on this list due to her lack of blondness._

Harry clenched his teeth.

 _I notice you do not deny the Smith allegations. I have it on good authority that he accosted you beneath the mistletoe at a Ministry Christmas function—and, by the way, some say that kiss lasted a good thirty-seven seconds longer than seemed prudent for someone claiming to be straight._

"I stopped listening to you some time ago," Harry said mildly, although he felt his cheeks burn. He thought no one knew about his unfortunate encounter with Smith. It was true, he had enjoyed it far more than "prudent" but Zacharias Smith was such an unmitigated wanker that Harry would sooner have started a relationship with a Blast-ended Skrewt. He had fully expected Smith to run to the papers with tales of Harry's lack of revulsion for men, but apparently the rejection had stung too much. Smith had kept quiet.

 _Leaving off Zacharias Smith for a moment, let's examine Daphne Greengrass. Naturally, you would have suspected her motives as being less than pure merely because she was Slytherin. In that, of course, you would have been accurate. Daphne's family has scarcely a Knut to their name after her great grandfather Enoch squandered it on bad Quidditch bets. Also, it wouldn't hurt any former Death Eater to have their name attached favourably to the Defeater of All Evil. Prestige and all that, you know, Potter. She would have pulled out all the stops, however. I'm curious, Potter, why you did not at least avail yourself of that little banquet. You could have sampled her wares and sent her packing._

Harry shuddered. "She reminded me of a crocodile. I swear to Merlin she licked her lips once or twice before we even reached the restaurant. I felt like a rabbit before a starving hyena. I completely lost my appetite and ended up cancelling dinner. I told her I wasn't feeling well, which was completely true."

Malfoy hissed a snakelike laugh. _Be thankful for your instincts. She would have dosed you with a love potion and married you within the week._

"Are you serious?"

 _Absolutely. I hope you learned your lesson about dating Slytherin girls_.

"Completely. I have permanently crossed Slytherins off my list."

 _Now don't be too hasty, Potter_.

"What? You just told me— "

The snake moved suddenly, sliding over Harry's skin in a motion that should not have provoked gooseflesh. Malfoy shifted his scales until his tongue flicked at Harry's other ear. _Now, then, that's three blondes down—four counting Smith—and the flaws are obvious with each. It gets a bit more difficult when we factor in Stacey Transom. She is quite the delectable morsel. She's petite, delicate, and rather cute if you like the buxom type. She is very sweet and doesn't chatter incessantly. Attended Beauxbaton's, so she speaks French and would not be swayed by the Potter mystique. Tell me, what did you find wrong with her?_

The gates were in sight and Harry quickened his pace in an effort not to answer. In truth, he had gone over the question a dozen times in his own mind. There was nothing wrong with Stacey. She was adorable and seemed quite taken with Harry without the hero-awe that seemed to accompany most of his other dates. They had gone out for a pleasant dinner and moonlit walk, but when she had leaned in for a kiss, Harry had panicked. He had just—not found her attractive. Her breasts seemed huge, pressing into his chest like pillows, and his hands on her curvy hips had felt wrong.

He had managed a few kisses without embarrassing himself, but then he had pretended an early job the next morning and quickly taken her home. His rather obvious avoidance after that had probably hurt her feelings, but she had not held it against him. She still greeted him pleasantly in the halls and had not spread vicious rumours about him.

 _Well?_ the snake prodded.

"You know, it's very strange to be discussing my dating history with a reptile."

 _Stop avoiding the question. You must have some idea. Never mind, then. I have my own theories. Based on general observation, I think poor Stacey simply had the wrong body type. You seem drawn to thinner, more athletic girls. Look at the Weaselette, she's practically a boy. And whatever happened with her, anyway? In school it looked like you were destined to become the next Arthur Weasley, a hen-pecked father to a herd of ginger-haired progeny_.

Harry wrenched the gates open with an audible sigh of relief. Ginny was a subject he would not discuss with Malfoy. Ever.

"All right," he said. "We can Apparate. I've never been to Aberdeen, so you'll have to take us through. Are you sure we can't just go back to London?"

The snake unwound from Harry's neck and the long tail dangled over his chest. A moment later he staggered when he had an armful of blond. Malfoy's arms were wrapped around his neck and his lips tickled his ear.

"Better?" the lips murmured. "I didn't tangle in your clothes that time."

"Yeah, better, fine, good. Great job," Harry muttered and wondered why the Slytherin could not just crawl away from Harry before transforming. "You can let go."

The arms tightened instead of releasing and Harry gasped when he felt a wet tongue slide over his neck.

"You taste almost as good when I'm human, Potter. Imagine that."

Harry shoved him away abruptly. "Very funny."

Malfoy combed a hand through his blond locks, although they had fallen over his eyes nearly impeccably, as usual. The grey eyes glinted with amusement. "To answer your question, no, we cannot go back to London. If my mother finds out I was this close and did not pop in for a visit, I will never hear the end of it. She knows how to get subtle revenge, Potter. She can be a terrifying woman."

Harry nodded, not doubting that for an instant. He shuddered slightly at the thought of what Malfoy's home life must have been like growing up under the shadow of both Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy. He felt an unwelcome rush of sympathy for the evil prat. "All right." He relented. "Let's go."

Malfoy moved close again and slid his arms back around Harry's neck while pressing their torsos together. For a wild instant, Harry thought Malfoy was going to kiss him and his heart began a staccato beat. He tried to speak, but all that came out was a squeak of surprise. The lips bypassed his mouth, however, to skim over his cheek and halt near his ear. "Side-along can be so much fun. Don't you think?"

Before he could respond, Harry felt a lurch in his midsection as Malfoy took them away.

They walked up a long, hedge-lined driveway paved with white gravel that had probably been imported from some exotic location at ridiculous expense.

"Who lives here?" Harry asked.

"My mother's cousin, Greta."

Harry frowned, trying to picture the Black Tapestry and wondering if he had ever seen the name Greta.

"She's about a trillion times removed, Potter, so don't hurt yourself trying to connect familial dots. It's easier to call her Cousin Greta and be done with it. She's annoying and nearly useless, but quite susceptible to the Imperius Curse, which is why mother enjoys staying here."

"What?" Harry burst out.

Malfoy laughed aloud. Harry thought it might be a pleasant sound under different circumstances. "Potter, you are so gullible!" The Animagus practically howled with merriment. "You should have seen your face. Merlin, entertainment like that can't be purchased at any price."

"Very fucking funny," Harry snapped as Malfoy wiped tears from his eyes. "Maybe I should wait in town while you visit with your mum. Better yet, I'll go back to London and you can join me when you're done."

An arm clamped quickly around Harry's shoulders. "I'm sorry, Potter," Malfoy said and nearly managed to sound almost contrite. "But Mother won't try to keep me here if you are with me. If not, they'll force me to stay to dinner and Greta's house-elves are substandard cooks. It's pitiful, really."

Harry made a sound of disgust. "You're amazing."

The arm around his shoulders tightened and Malfoy grinned. "Thanks, Potter. And just think, our lunch will be free, so there's one less expense to have to worry about."

Harry was about to retort that he hadn't been worrying about expenses at all, until the word "lunch" sank in and he realized said meal wasn't for some hours. Before he could snatch the blond's hand away, a long index finger had pressed the bell. A house-elf opened the door instantly and Harry suppressed a groan. Malfoy was right; he really was gullible.

Harry mimicked Malfoy when the blond picked up a tiny fork and sliced off a corner of the iced cake on his plate. Harry thought the damned thing was small enough to pick up with his fingers and pop straight into his mouth, but apparently purebloods had to eat food served in miniscule portions cut into even tinier portions.

He placed the morsel into his mouth and allowed the sugar to melt on his tongue while allowing Malfoy's words to flow over him. The two Malfoys and their batty cousin were currently discussing the bad fashion sense of someone named Calumet or Camomile, or something Harry could not recall. Prior to that fascinating topic had been one involving some seaside hotel in Marseilles whose standards had apparently made it beneath another visit from anyone with a proper attitude of snobbery. Harry had been fighting the urge to yawn for forty minutes. Only Narcissa Malfoy's sharp gaze kept him from doing so. Harry didn't think she would send a hex across the table at the first sign of rudeness, but he wasn't positive and preferred not to risk it.

Cousin Greta had been in a complete twitter at the first sight of Harry, but Narcissa had merely greeted him coolly and given her son a measuring glance. After that they had pretty much ignored Harry completely, but for an occasional excited squeal from the curly-haired Greta, quickly quelled by a glare from Narcissa. Greta was a tiny mouse of a woman and Harry realized the Malfoys had no need to use an Imperius Curse on her—she was far too timid to even consider acting against the will of anyone else.

"So… Auror Potter," Narcissa said. "What brings you here with my son?"

"The Ministry needs my help with a case, Mother. They are currently wasting Potter's considerable talents by having him chase down a dangerous smuggler of terrifying animals like Fwoopers and Jarveys."

Harry flushed. He considered it to be a stupid case himself, but hearing Malfoy couch it in derogatory terms made it even worse, although the backhanded compliment was something of a surprise.

Narcissa smiled sweetly. "You are helping the Auror Department?"

Malfoy shrugged. "For a considerable fee, of course. They needed an Animagus."

"We're trying to track down the source of the creatures," Harry said, speaking up for the first time. "They are being sold to Muggles and it's draining the resources of the Ministry to keep the incidents under wraps and clean up the mess. We're not sure of their motives."

Greta piped up. "We had a Jarvey once. It was a rude little thing. Terribly cute, though. Father threatened to turn it into a hat more than once. I wonder whatever happened to it?"

They all ignored her. Narcissa wrinkled her nose slightly, possibly at the mention of Muggles.

"I do remember where we got the Jarvey, though!" Greta cried suddenly. "It was that shady pet-dealer in Knockturn Alley. Do you remember, Narcissa? Bellatrix tried to buy a baby Nundu and he said he could get her one for a price. Luckily your father forbade it." Greta shuddered. "You just know Bella would have had the damned thing chasing us down and eating us. A Nundu. Can you imagine?"

Harry's eyes widened at her words and he looked at Malfoy quickly. The blond studied Greta speculatively as his mother said, "Oh yes. I do remember that, now that you mention it. His shop is two doors down from Borgin and Burkes. He claims to sell glassware, pots, and potion containers. It is well known, however, that he can get just about anything for a price. What was his name?"

"Carter," Malfoy supplied. "The store is Carter's Collectibles."

"Of course!" Greta said with a shrill giggle. "Carter. Horrible man."

Harry tried to recall the layout of Knockturn Alley, but the shop in question remained a blank. "It's a start," he said with a glance at Malfoy. "We should definitely check it out." He tried to keep the pleading tone from his voice, but the grey eyes glinted with amusement just the same.

"All right, Potter. Mother, Greta, it has been a lovely visit, but we have business to attend to. We're on the Ministry's Knut, remember?"

"Very well, darling," Narcissa said and got to her feet. "Thank you for stopping in. We will expect you for dinner next week."

Harry bid the women a polite farewell and happily left Scotland behind.

They Apparated to Muggle London, appearing in an abandoned building near the Leaky Cauldron used by wizards as a handy Apparition point. They quickly decided that Malfoy should remain in snake form and guide Harry through Parseltongue rather than be seen together.

"Will you stop climbing me?" Harry demanded as he tugged the pesky snake away from his thigh once more.

 _I like to climb. You should stop manhandling me, Potter. I think you're starting to enjoy it a bit much_.

Harry flushed, thankful the blond couldn't see it as the reptile attained the now-familiar place around Harry's neck.

 _You're awfully warm, Potter. Do I make you nervous?_

"You wish," Harry retorted. He quickly left the building and made his way to the Leaky Cauldron, sparing only a brief wave to the innkeeper before entering Diagon Alley.

 _We should stop for ice cream_ , the snake hissed as they passed Fortescue's. _You will have to buy it, of course, because that would mean instant rejection of your expense report_.

"Don't you reject my expense reports no matter what I put on them?" Harry countered, not bothering to mention that Malfoy would find ice cream consumption difficult in his current form.

 _Not when they are correct_.

"They have always been rejected!"

He pictured the human Malfoy rolling his eyes. _That's because they have never been correct._

Before they could rehash the argument, Harry turned into Knockturn Alley and made his way past Borgin and Burkes, scanning the signs overhead. A faded wooden placard swung from an iron post, almost completely illegible. Harry pushed on the door ineffectually and cursed. A small card in the window read: **HOURS 3 pm – 11 pm**.

"Damn it! They don't open for another two hours!"

Malfoy made a loud hiss of disgust. _Are you an Auror or aren't you?_

"If you are suggesting I break into the place, then the answer is _yes_ , I am an Auror! I can't go around trespassing!"

 _Well, I can._.

The snake slithered down Harry's body and under the door before Harry could protest. He wondered how the hell he was going explain that on his report to Kingsley. Bizarrely, it was only a moment after that wayward thought that Kingley's Patronus landed next to him. Harry looked around quickly, realizing Knockturn Alley was hardly the place for a visit from the Minister. He cast a Silencing Charm and a Glamour that would at least muffle the vision of the animal from onlookers. Harry triggered the spell that allowed the Patronus to speak.

"Where are you? You were supposed to be staking out Polly's Pets. Watching for smugglers of illegal animals! Is this ringing any bells, Potter? I should never have put you and Malfoy together. He has you doing something completely unrelated to your job, doesn't he?" Harry flushed guiltily, thinking about their visit with Narcissa. "You must remember that he is Slytherin, Harry! Luckily for you, I sent Thomas to check on you two. He discovered that an Acromantula had been brought in, advertised as a mutant variety of tarantula. An Acromantula, Potter! Now you and the blond nuisance had better get your arses back on the job! I want a report on my desk _tonight_ as to your whereabouts, and it had better be good!"

Harry groaned when the spell faded. Lovely. He had been having the most uncomfortable tea of his life while the damned smuggler brought in a new pet. That fucking figured. He glared at the door and wondered how he was going to get his new partner to exit. The temptation to just leave him was strong.

He took two steps away from the door and then heard an irritated hiss.

 _Tell me you were not leaving me, Potter._

Harry turned back to see the snake slither from the shop door. It approached quickly and wrapped itself around Harry's ankle. Before he could stoop to pick up Malfoy, the viper slipped beneath Harry's trouser leg and climbed swiftly up his leg. He nearly danced in place and yelled at the Slytherin, but two people approached and looked at him curiously. Harry nodded at them and walked quickly past, trying to ignore the fact that a poisonous viper was wrapped around his thigh and climbing higher.

His Auror robes generated enough interest without adding insane behaviour to the mix. Malfoy slid over his flank and into Harry's shirt. He clenched his jaw until the snake regained his usual position.

"That was hilarious," Harry snapped.

 _Stop complaining, Potter. I know you only wish I would touch you that way in human form. Now take me to get ice cream and I'll tell you what I found._

"You found something?" Harry was surprised. He had expected the Slytherin to scope out the place for his next shopping spree. He hadn't expected him to find anything useful.

 _Ice cream. I want every type of chocolate in a bowl, not those wretched cone things._

Knowing it would be faster to buy the damned treat, Harry stopped at Fortescue's and was horrified to discover they had twelve different types of chocolate ice cream. The clerk looked at him in surprise when he ordered. Harry was something of a regular and leaned toward pumpkin swirl these days.

"Um… craving chocolate," Harry said lamely.

"I'll say. Sure you aren't pregnant?"

The snake found that amusing, apparently. _Impossible. You have to have sex first._

 _Shut up_ , Harry hissed.

Bearing Malfoy's gigantic bowl of ice cream, Harry exited the shop and Apparated to the Ministry. The blond changed back—thankfully leaping onto Harry's desk first—and parked himself in Harry's chair.

"All right, what did you find out?"

Malfoy lifted a spoonful of chocolate to his mouth, inserted it, and then gave an obscene moan of pleasure. Harry's eyes widened. "Oh, this is blissful, Potter. I might even let your next expense report pass muster."

"Don't do me any favours," Harry muttered.

"Your choice," Malfoy said and shrugged. He licked the spoon clean before lifting another spoonful. Harry looked away. "You might be curious to know that I found something interesting on Carter's calendar."

Harry looked at him again and was immediately sorry. A smear of chocolate marred his lower lip. Malfoy's tongue flicked out and removed it cleanly. For some reason, Harry's mouth went suddenly dry.

Malfoy went on, "He is apparently expecting a shipment this evening."

Harry's brow furrowed. "So?"

Malfoy rolled his eyes. "How many honest people receive shipments at 11:25 at night, Potter?"

Okay, maybe the prat had something. "At the shop?" he asked.

"Of course not. It's coming in by ship. Could be something big."

"By ship?" Wizarding items were seldom transported by anything as mundane as ships or overland vehicles.

"Mmmhmm. Makes you wonder what is so fragile that they won't risk Apparition or Portkey, eh? Something _alive_ , perhaps?"

The blond sucked on the spoon and Harry swore. "We should go see Kingsley."

"You go, Potter. I am busy."

Harry could only take another moment or two of watching the blond have intercourse with the bowl of ice cream before he fled to find Kingsley, telling himself that Malfoy was an utter and total prat. He just wasn't certain why he was so annoyed.


	5. Hissy Fit Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter Five**

**Chapter Five**

Kingsley almost forgave him for the cock-up at the pet store at the news they were tracking the source. Harry only hoped Malfoy was not leading him on a Crumple-Horned Snorkack chase. Regardless, he refused to spend the next several hours in the company of the blond. When he returned to his office, he found the bowl thankfully empty. Malfoy's feet were propped on Harry's desk and he was doodling on a piece of parchment.

"There you are, Potter. I just sent your secretary to locate you."

"I don't have a secretary."

"You do now. I just demoted her from whatever lofty position she had before. She seemed quite pleased, actually. Pity she isn't blonde. She has no idea that her lust will be forever unrequited."

Harry rubbed his temples and sank into a chair.

"Kingsley was not exactly thrilled with our gallivanting about, especially considering someone dropped in to the pet shop we were supposed to be staking out and inserted an Acromantula."

"It wasn't my idea to go to Hogwarts, Potter. I've been updating your chart."

"What? No!" Harry said. "No more charts, no lists, no discussing my life at all."

"Don't be shy, Potter. I'm only trying to help you. Have a seat."

Harry scowled. "No. Since we aren't staking out this Carter fellow until late tonight, I want to go home and get some rest."

"Fine. We can do this at your place."

"Absolutely not. If you think I am allowing you into my flat you are absurdly mistaken."

"Oh come on, Potter. You need to think about this. You are wasting the most precious years of your libido! I'm trying to help you."

Harry pressed at his temples with both hands.

"You do that a lot, Potter. Do you have headaches? Did you know that sex relieves headaches, Potter? It's true. I believe it is because the blood rushes from the head to… other parts, thereby relieving the tension. I'll bet if you give in to temptation your headaches will disappear."

"I'll bet if _you_ disappear my headaches will disappear," Harry corrected.

Malfoy ignored that. He shook the parchment. "Now, the purpose of this list is to narrow down potential objects of temptation. Obviously, we have the blond bit down pat, as well as the 'built like a boy' bit, although in my opinion that should probably read ' _is_ a boy'."

"Very funny," Harry snapped. He knew he should go home, but leaving Draco Malfoy alone in his office probably was not the wisest course of action. Merlin only knew what he might come back to. Also, Kingsley had seemed rather serious before when admonishing Harry never to bring Malfoy back to the Ministry. His office was relatively safe due to numerous protections on it that kept most people from even _finding_ it, much less entering.

Also, a tiny part of him might have been slightly interested in Malfoy's analysis, no matter how grossly far from the truth it might be.

"I'm working on personality types now, Potter. So far you are leaning toward the domineering, which probably says something deep and revealing about your childhood, but I'm not interested in working out your mental issues."

"What _are_ you interested in, Malfoy?"

The grey eyes blinked at him. "Are you propositioning me, Potter?"

"I mean it, Malfoy. Why are you doing this? Besides your obvious need to abuse and humiliate me. There are simpler ways."

Malfoy stood up and rounded the desk. "I know why you don't want me to come to your flat, Potter."

Harry watched warily as the blond approached and leaned over him. One pale hand dropped to the backrest behind Harry's shoulder and Malfoy leaned close to murmur in his ear. "You are afraid that once you get me alone you won't be able to control yourself. I fit your criteria, don't I? I'm blond, I'm fit, and I can be very, very domineering if that's what turns you on, Potter."

Malfoy's breath was hot and moist in his ear and despite himself, Harry felt something stirring as his palms went damp on the arms of the chair. Merlin, he would never live it down if Malfoy noticed that. He scowled in feigned annoyance and reached up to push the blond away, but a pounding on the door froze them both.

"Harry? You in there?" It was Seamus Finnegan. Without waiting for an answer, the door burst open and Malfoy vanished. Seamus stared at the large snake that lay across Harry's chest. The Auror dragged out his wand with a cry.

"No!" Harry yelled, pulling out his own wand to cast a Shield Charm, if necessary. "It's okay, he's mine!"

Seamus lowered his wand dubiously as the viper crawled around Harry's neck. _Yours, eh Potter? Already possessive and we haven't even shagged_.

Harry blushed scarlet and Seamus looked at him quizzically. "When did you get a pet? And why a snake, mate? Bloody thing is weird-looking."

Malfoy hissed. _I'll show him weird-looking. He'll be weird-looking when my venom causes him to swell up like a giant bubotuber_.

Harry stroked the snake's head to calm him down. He did not need Malfoy launching himself at Seamus. The snake seemed to sigh slightly and curled around Harry's neck once more.

"What do you want, Seamus?"

The Auror seemed to shake off his fascination with watching the green viper turn into a fluffy-looking collar. "Oh. Kingsley wants you right away. There's been some sort of incident on a case you're working, apparently."

Fuck. So much for going home and chilling out for a while. He thanked Seamus and headed out. _Do you still want to go home?_ he asked Malfoy. _I can probably handle this._

 _I shall not desert my partner in his time of need, even to save myself from Shacklebolty wrath,_ the snake vowed. _Wait! Is that Grimsby? What the hell is he doing here?_

Double fuck! Malfoy's replacement auditor just happened to be wandering in the hallway. Kingsley was going to murder him for sure for bringing Malfoy back to the Ministry.

 _Tell me they did not attempt to replace me with that incompetent excuse for a financial advisor? He could not find an accounting inconsistency if it jumped off the page and ate his face. Why is he here?_

"He's probably redlining my expense reports if he uses you as an example."

 _Impossible, Potter. I have standing orders that your expense reports are to be seen by no one but me_.

"You… what?"

 _Oh look, there's Kingsley now. His face does turn an odd shade of puce when he's angry, does it not_?

Harry ground his teeth and made a mental note to have a talk with the Slytherin bastard once his business with the Minister was concluded.

Unfortunately, said business took a lot longer than expected.

Harry shivered beneath his invisibility cloak. The weather had turned nasty just in time for him to stand out in it and stake out a possible animal-smuggler.

 _This fucking sucks_ , he complained in Parseltongue.

The snake made a contented noise that sounded remarkably like a purr. _I'm comfortable._

"Tosser," Harry muttered and then grumbled on about how it must be nice to be able to be carried everywhere and sleep in nice, warm places while the rest of them stood around on two legs and froze to death.

 _You are awfully whiny for an Auror. I thought you lived for this sort of thing_. The snake sounded sleepy.

Harry stamped his feet quietly, trying to keep his toes from solidifying into blocks of ice. _I'm not very fond of this particular sort of thing, no. Where is that bastard Carter? Are you sure you read the calendar correctly_?

The snake squeezed lightly. _Of course I read it correctly. You are the one that wanted to get here early, remember_?

Harry was not mollified by the reminder. He was exhausted and irritable. Another magical creature had turned up in a shop, but this one had been quite a lot more dangerous than those previously discovered. The Quintaped had injured several Muggles and half destroyed the shop. Harry had been sent to search for clues while Obliviators took care of the uninjured Muggles and whisked the others off to St. Mungo's for treatment. Naturally there were few clues to be found. The manager was surprisingly coherent, despite the mind-boggling sight of caped wizards with wands popping in and out of his shop and shooting spells about. Before his memory was altered, he recalled that a blond man had brought in the creature. It was the first hint of a description they had received, even though it was nigh unto useless.

"A blond man," Harry had complained. "Well, that narrows it down to about one third of the population of the planet."

"Actually, Potter, blonds make up approximately one-fifth of the global population, superior even though lacking in number."

"It's disturbing that you have that information at your fingertips."

"I am a veritable cauldron of knowledge, Potter."

Harry had turned away to hide his smile. Damn if the annoying prat wasn't starting to grow on him.

Now, however, the annoying prat was starting to crawl on him.

 _What are you doing_ _?_ Harry hissed.

 _He's coming_.

Harry stilled and then strained his ears, but heard nothing, nor was anything visible.

 _How can you tell_ _?_ he ventured softly.

 _Scent on the air. I recognize it from his shop_.

Harry nearly whistled, impressed. The Animagus had astonishing abilities. He lifted a hand and impulsively stroked the flat head. At that moment quiet footsteps approached, although the quay still appeared empty. Harry's practiced eye picked out the slight shimmer of a Glamour Charm. Harry slid his fingers over the viper once more before he tugged out his wand.

He had already cast a Silencing Charm on his shoes, so he followed Carter soundlessly and unseen. Malfoy's head bumped against his chin.

 _Snakes have lousy eyesight_ , Malfoy complained.

Harry grinned. He knew he would not make it through the night without some sort of grousing from his scaled partner. Carter slipped across a set of train tracks and headed into a large area stacked with Muggle shipping containers. The huge metal boxes were painted with large abbreviated letters. They would be brightly coloured in the daytime, but now they were a uniform grey in the drizzly darkness.

Carter made his way through the tall maze in what seemed to be a random pattern, pausing often to lean against a container. Harry still could not see him, but pictured the man peering around to watch for pursuit. He was definitely up to something.

Another ten minutes of aimless walking had Harry wanting to shout at the bastard to get to it already. He was already tired and now his feet were beginning to ache. The only positive result was that the activity was starting to warm him slightly. Carter came to an abrupt halt in front of a container that looked identical to hundreds of others they had passed. He lifted a hand and rapped sharply on the metal door. Harry could not make out the low words spoken, but the door creaked open slightly. After a bit more conversation, Carter's shadowy form slipped into the container.

 _Seal it shut and ship it to America_ , Malfoy suggested.

 _We don't even know who or what is in there. Besides, they would just Apparate out._ Harry crept closer. The door was not completely shut—it would be difficult to close from the inside. Harry peered through the crack and discovered the interior to be dimly lit. Carter was visible now, having dropped his Glamour, and he spoke to another man. Several cages were stacked against the wall and assorted growls and shuffling sounds alerted Harry to the presence of some sort of creatures. He felt a rush of excitement—they might actually have discovered the smugglers!

"You sure you wasn't followed?" the other man asked and Carter made a sound of disgust. He was a stringy-haired fellow that reminded Harry uncomfortably of Snape.

"'Course I wasn't followed! I tramped through this fucking maze for twenty bloody minutes. Now gimme the creatures so I can get the hell out o' here."

"Money first," the other man said. He towered over Carter, thick with muscles bulging out of a dingy tank—ridiculous attire for this cold night—and huge hamlike hands. His stomach bulged over the waistband of his trousers, but it did not jiggle when he moved. Harry felt a flash of nervousness looking at the large man. He was not as large as Hagrid, but very nearly. If he had any giant blood at all, he could be highly resistant to spells.

Carter snorted and pulled a pouch from beneath his dark robes. He tossed it on the makeshift table—some sort of wooden crate—and it clinked loudly. Harry nearly froze to death again waiting for Carter to count out every single Galleon.

 _Let me go in and bite them_ , Malfoy suggested.

 _We need them alive for questioning, remember_? Harry countered.

The huge man's head jerked up and he stared at the door. Carter swung around instantly. "What?" he cried.

"Heard something."

Moving quickly for his size, the large man hurried toward them. Harry leaped back as he pushed the door open. Harry backtracked; hoping the Silencing Spell on his shoes had not worn off. Unfortunately, his foot came down on a small stone and skidded out from under him. He sprawled backward and the cloak fell open.

"Aurors!" the man bellowed. Harry had already cast, but the man dove aside and Harry's _Stupefy_ pinged off the container.

Carter cursed from the open door, but he turned and raced back inside. He was either going for the money, the creatures, or both. Harry grabbed Malfoy and tossed him into the open door. "Get Carter!" he yelled.

The movement had only taken him a moment, but it was just too long. He turned his wand toward the large man only to have a booted foot slam into his wrist and send the wand flying. Harry's arm bloomed with pain and he bit down on a cry as he rolled away, expecting another kick to a vulnerable place.

In that he was right—another kick caught him on the hip and nearly sent him down again, but he ignored it and scrambled to his feet. He pulled his cloak around him tightly and ran sideways a few steps before leaping in another direction. The man lunged about randomly, swinging his arms.

"Fucking Auror coward!" he bellowed. Harry avoided a swing—barely—and tracked quickly toward his fallen wand. Unfortunately, the man got the idea at the same time. "Accio wand!" he yelled.

Harry's wand spun through the air toward the man's outstretched hand. Harry leaped and had a bizarre flashback of his Quidditch days as he strained his fingertips forward—and caught the wand. Before the man could react, Harry spun and yelled, " _Stupefy!_ "

This time the spell hit the man, but it took two more to bring him down completely. When the large body finally sprawled on the wet pavement, Harry sagged in relief and clutched his throbbing wrist.

"Oh fuck, Malfoy!"

He turned and raced into the open container, wand ready. Malfoy sat calmly on the crate next to the Galleons, counting them slowly. The grey eyes met his for a moment and the blond grinned. "Seventy-four, seventy-five…"

"Where is Carter?"

Malfoy jerked a thumb toward the other side of the crate. "Shush, you're making me lose count."

Harry walked around the crate and saw Carter lying in a heap. Harry was afraid to ask what spell Malfoy had used on him—he seemed a bit… contorted. He checked to make sure the smuggler was alive and then sent a Patronus to Kingsley. He maliciously hoped it woke the Minister from a sound sleep.

"One hundred and twenty five Galleons," Malfoy concluded and Harry whistled. He started toward the caged creatures, wondering what Carter had planned to buy for that expense.

"I counted it to make sure the proper amount shows up on the Ministry ledgers," Malfoy said. "I know how you Aurors like to drop a few coins into your pockets now and again and put a false figure on your reports."

Harry glared at him, but realized the demon was merely trying to get a rise from him. Harry was too tired to comply. He decided his wrist was either broken or giving a damned fine impression of it.

"Good, then you can inventory these animals and make sure I don't slip one of those into my pocket. I'm going to make sure Guido doesn't wake up and disappear."

Malfoy grumbled, but Harry went back outside and bound the unconscious man with magical ropes just as several Aurors appeared around him. Harry's lips thinned into a line. It still bothered him that each Auror was fitted with a permanent Tracking Spell. He knew it was useful, especially in times of danger or instances such as this, but he still felt it was a gross violation of his privacy. The sting was lessened a bit when Dean Thomas stepped forward.

"Hey, Harry. Need some help?"

Harry yawned, unable to stop himself. "Sorry, Dean. Can you take this hulk back to the Ministry and put him in lockdown for me? There's another one inside. We'll also have to get someone here from the Department of the Regulation of Magical Creatures. I'm not sure what's in there, but it's a sure bet they are far from legal."

Harry returned to the crate to find no sign of Malfoy. Another Auror looked at him with something close to awe. "You took both of these down by yourself, Auror Potter?" Harry shook his head and looked at the man critically. According to Malfoy, he should have fit Harry's criteria—he was blond, slender, and had the excellent physique of all young Aurors. Harry could not quite remember his name.

"Not exactly," Harry admitted and wondered why he felt not even a hint of attraction toward him. Maybe he wasn't attracted to blokes, after all. Then he remembered the sight of Malfoy sitting on the crate counting Galleons and his reaction was immediate and uncomfortable. He flushed and the Auror's eyes widened. Harry looked away quickly, realizing his blush might have been misconstrued. Damn it, just what he needed, a new complication in his life from someone whose name he could not even recall.

He turned and belted out some orders regarding the animals, the Galleons, and whatever else he could think of to take his mind off of the Animagus and wondering where he had gone.


	6. Hissy Fit Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter Six**

**Chapter Six**

It was nearly an hour later when the place was finally cleared of all evidence of wizarding presence. Harry bid goodnight to the final Auror before exiting the container wearily. He was so tired he almost stumbled with each step. He had also neglected to have his wrist seen to, other than to cast a quick Numbing Spell on it. Once it no longer hurt, he had forgotten it, but the charm was wearing off and it was beginning to ache again. All he wanted was to go home and go to bed.

It was a sign of his exhaustion that when something dropped onto his shoulders, he did not even flinch. After a moment of alarm, he realized it was his missing partner.

"Nice of you to disappear," Harry snapped. "I thought you went home."

 _I thought my presence was supposed to remain secret_ , the snake said.

Harry rubbed his eyes. "Yeah, you're right. Sorry. You did the right thing. Fuck, I'm tired."

The snake turned back into Malfoy, still partially wrapped around Harry, who gave in to a moment of weakness and leaned into him.

"Come on, let's get you home, hero." Without releasing Harry, Malfoy Disapparated them. It was with some surprise that Harry found them standing outside his flat.

"How do you know where I live?" he asked.

"I know everything, Potter. Don't you know that by now?"

Harry sighed, knowing he would never get a straight answer out of the blond, especially in the middle of the night. He pushed away from Malfoy and dissipated the wards before unlocking the door. "I suppose you're coming in?"

"Unless you expect me to Apparate all the way to Wiltshire after the day I've had. If you want me to Splinch myself, I will understand, of course."

"Come in," Harry growled.

Malfoy entered and Harry gauged his reaction more than he should have. The blond gave the place a critical once-over and Harry tried to look at his flat with a detached gaze. It was a bit more cluttered than he would have liked, but the colour scheme of pale green and walnut was appealing. He almost smirked at the thought that was nearly obvious in the Slytherin's face—at least there was no Gryffindor red.

"Would you like a drink?" Harry asked politely. He wondered how to most quickly rid himself of the blond and crawl into bed.

"Heavens no. I'm tired enough without pouring alcohol onto the mountain of exhaustion. Do you mind if I sleep here tonight, Potter?"

Harry blinked at him for what seemed a full five minutes. Obviously, it was long enough to annoy the blond, who curled his lip. "Never mind. I'm sorry I'm not Chesterfield. No doubt you prefer him to be here now instead of me."

"Who?" Harry was dumbfounded.

"Chesterfield. That pretty little Auror you were ogling at the docks tonight. You practically drooled on him and then gave him that lovely blush. I thought you two might kick everyone out and shag atop the animal cages."

The name finally clicked. Chesterfield. That was the blond Auror's name.

"I'm not interested in Chesterfield," Harry said tiredly. "If you're sleeping here, you can take the couch."

Malfoy glared at him. "Malfoys do not sleep on sofas."

Harry restrained himself from throttling the blond—barely. "Fine. Whatever. Take the bed; I'll sleep on the couch. I'm going to sleep now and I don't want to hear a syllable from you until morning. _Late_ morning. There are clothes in my wardrobe—help yourself to whatever you like."

Harry did not wait around for the complaints to begin, but stumbled to the chaise lounge in the corner. He had thought it a ridiculous piece of furniture when Hermione had picked it out, but it had quickly become his favourite. It was nearly as large as a bed, and perfect for lounging on.

Harry tore off his outer clothing and glanced over his shoulder. Thankfully, Malfoy had gone into the bedroom. Harry Summoned blankets from the hall cupboard, threw himself onto the chaise, and fell into an immediate sleep.

He was awakened sometime later by a heaviness on his chest. His questing hand encountered soft scales. "Malfoy," he mumbled. "What are you doing here?"

 _Cold. Don't know where you keep your spare blankets_.

"Hall cupboard," Harry murmured, but his fingers trailed over the snake and then he tugged his covers up to give the viper additional warmth before drifting back to sleep. He supposed it would be all right to sleep with Malfoy as long as the Animagus remained a snake.

The next time he awoke, sunlight was trickling through the gaps in the curtains and the pressure on his chest was definitely not snakelike. Harry drew in a surprised breath at the feel of the man curled against him. The blond head was nestled on his shoulder and a muscular arm had been flung over his torso. The rest of Malfoy's lean form was pressed tightly against him and the blankets seemed to have tangled in their legs.

Malfoy huffed lightly and snuggled closer. He was probably cold again. Harry noted with surprise that his hand rested on Malfoy's waist. He wore nothing but pants and Harry felt his skin nearly burn where Malfoy's touched his. He wondered if he could let go without waking the blond. His hand twitched at the thought and the Slytherin asked quietly, "Going somewhere?"

"Um… loo," Harry said lamely, even though he would rather not move at all. It was disturbingly pleasant holding the blond this way. Apparently, Malfoy was not ready to move, either.

"Not yet," he mumbled. "You're warm." He sighed and moved his arm off of Harry's chest, but only long enough to grab the blankets and drag them up again. The arm dropped around Harry's waist this time and hugged him tightly. "Go back to sleep."

Harry sighed in contentment and went back to sleep.

A tickling sensation woke him the third time and he opened his eyes to find Malfoy staring down at him.

"I'm hungry, Potter," he said.

"You are always hungry," Harry replied. He was somewhat surprised to find Malfoy still snuggled against him.

"Not _always_." Malfoy's lips jutted in a cute pout and Harry had to shut his eyes to combat the knowledge that he had just thought of Malfoy as _cute_. And that he was not at all upset about the blond sleeping next to him. And that he really wouldn't mind if Malfoy leaned down and kissed him…

And then Malfoy moved and his elbow caught Harry's injured wrist. He yelped like a kicked dog and the blond jerked back in surprise. "What the hell?"

Harry lifted his arm over his head and clutched it with his other hand, fighting back tears. _Mother of Merlin, it hurt_ _!_ "Last night," he gasped. "I forgot to heal my arm."

Malfoy sat up with a curse. "Idiot! Let me see it!"

Harry reluctantly lowered his arm and winced again when Malfoy took his hand gently and turned it. Harry felt a bit nauseous when he looked at the swollen, purpling mass. It looked atrocious.

"Fuck, Potter, if it's not broken it's doing a damn fine impression of it." Malfoy pulled Harry's arm onto his lap and grabbed his wand from the floor. Harry felt only a mild flash of amusement that the blond had not left his wand in the bedroom— _typical Slytherin_ —before the pale fingertips prodded at his arm and drew a ragged gasp of pain.

"Damn it, Potter, this would have been simpler if you had fixed it last night! It's completely inflamed now." Malfoy sighed. "Hang on, this might hurt a bit."

A few muttered spells later and Harry's arm tingled quite painfully before settling into a dull ache. He focused on Malfoy's profile and blinked when he realized he had never really appreciated how handsome the blond was. His features were really quite beautiful, especially when his hair was slightly mussed from sleep and his lips were pursed in concentration. His mouth was very expressive, Harry admitted, thinking of the varied expressions he had seen from Malfoy—sneers, smirks, grins, and thin lines of annoyance.

"Some of the swelling is down. I'm going to try to heal the bones. I'm not especially good at this, so if you would rather go to St. Mungo's, tell me now." The grey eyes looked at him seriously, clouded slightly with worry. Harry felt a rush of emotion that surprised him. He had really come to care for the blond in the past couple of days. Possibly a little too much.

"I trust you," Harry said simply.

Malfoy's eyes narrowed. "You really shouldn't do that."

"Do what?"

Malfoy sighed. "Never mind." He cast another spell and Harry bit the inside of his cheek to hold back a scream. _Fuck_ _!_ Malfoy had not been kidding about his lack of ability. It took him a few moments to feel past the blinding pain, but it eventually lessened. Malfoy looked even more worried. "Are you okay?"

Harry flexed his hand and was pleased to note that it did feel better. "I think you did it," he said.

"You need not sound so surprised," Malfoy said dryly.

"I'm not surprised," Harry lied. He noticed that Malfoy's fingers were drawing tiny circles on his wrist as if testing for residual tenderness. For some reason, the light motions sent warmth flooding through him, travelling at lightning speed from his arm straight to other parts of his body that did not need awakening. Not with Malfoy sitting next to him, at any rate. To Harry's alarm, his cock refused to listen to reason and rose eagerly. If anything, Harry's panic seemed to hasten the process. He suddenly needed to escape.

"Any other wounds?" Malfoy asked, not pausing in his fingertip massage therapy.

"No!" Harry said too quickly.

Malfoy's eyes narrowed. "Why do I not believe you? Gryffindors never could lie worth a damn."

Malfoy finally released Harry's arm, only to turn, obviously determined to find other bits of Harry to heal. Harry sat up quickly, dragging the blankets into his lap to hide his condition. That was all he needed—Malfoy was already prattling on about Harry's attraction to blonds and making insinuations. He would never let Harry live this down. "No!" he yelled, trying to scoot away. The quick movement caused him to wince involuntarily—he had forgotten about the injury to his hip.

Malfoy shoved his chest. "Damn it, just lie down. I'm trying to help you."

"You've done enough. I don't need any more help," Harry said sharply. The blankets tangled in his legs, preventing escape. Malfoy glared at him.

"Don't be such a stubborn fool. What could be worse than a broken wrist?"

Harry nearly barked a hysterical laugh. He tried to force himself free of the confining covers and succeeded only in tangling himself worse. Where the hell was his wand? He needed to vanish these damned blankets and get the hell out of here!

"Harry! Calm down! Merlin, what's gotten into you? Hold still and I'll get you free."

Rather than wait for that frightening possibility, Harry threw himself off the end of the chaise, blankets and all, and sprawled facedown, nearly slamming his forehead into the floor. Finally dragging his legs free of the material, he bolted for the loo and slammed the door behind him. He sat on the toilet and shook with relief while pressing a hand to his groin, willing the hardness to dissipate enough to allow him to pee. Malfoy probably thought he had gone mental. Merlin, he _was_ mental. He could not allow himself to fall for Draco Malfoy. The Animagus would laugh all the way to the _Daily Prophet_.

A light tap came on the door. "Potter? Are you all right?"

"Fine," Harry said. "I'll be out in a bit. I just didn't feel well for a minute."

He tried not to think about the blond padding around his house wearing only sexy black boxers and finally had to picture Ron Weasley in one of Hermione's negligees to crush his stubborn erection. Thank Merlin he had never been attracted to his friend. Maybe Malfoy was right about the freckles.

When Harry finally came out, he found Malfoy—thankfully dressed—sitting at his kitchen table sipping at a cup of tea.

"Feeling better?" Malfoy asked blandly.

"Yeah. Do you want breakfast?" Harry asked and then held up a hand. "Never mind, stupid question. I'll make something."

Malfoy jerked a thumb at a slip of paper on the table. "Owl came from Kingsley while you were in there."

"Did you read it?"

"Of course I read it. He wants you to come in as soon as you're up. Are you up?"

"Not until after breakfast."

Malfoy changed the subject to the upcoming Quidditch World Cup and kept Harry diverted with friendly arguments about the various players until Harry finished preparing bangers, eggs, and several slices of toast.

"Samael Johnson is gay, which is why the Tornados lose every time the Italian Seeker gets on the field. Have you seen him?"

"Johnson is gay?" Harry asked through a mouthful of sausage. He had, indeed, noticed the Seeker for the Italian team—ruddy gorgeous bastard. The thought made Harry pause for a moment, wondering how many other men he had noticed without actually noticing himself noticing. _What the fuck_?

"I have it on good authority that Johnson plays for the other team," Malfoy said with a smirk.

Harry snorted. "I believe you. No need to go into sordid details."

"Last night you said you were not interested in Paul Chesterfield. Are you certain about that? He fits your criteria, other than the dominance thing. He seems a bit submissive for your tastes, but perhaps my charts were wrong about that. I'll have to go over them again."

Harry flushed at Malfoy's insistence on bringing up Harry's lack of love life. "Malfoy, I would really prefer you stop thinking so much about this. Paul Chesterfield is most definitely not my type, all right? Can you dispense with the charts and data and concentrate on this case, instead? I'm going to go see if Kingsley managed to pry any information out of Carter. You can stay here, if you'd like."

Malfoy ignored Harry's subtle hint that he was not welcome to accompany Harry to the Ministry. "Are you certain Chesterfield is not your type? What don't you like about him?"

 _He's not you_ , Harry nearly blurted and stood up quickly to cover his astonishment over the wayward thought. "I'm not discussing this," he said in a singsong tone, instead.

"I'm just trying to help you, Potter."

"You're trying to torture me, as usual." Harry rinsed his cup in the sink and nearly dropped it when he felt Malfoy press up against him. Strong arms wrapped around his waist and Malfoy's lips nuzzled at his neck. Just like that, his hard-on was back.

"Thanks for breakfast, Potter," Malfoy murmured.

Harry's elbow caught him sharply in the ribs. "Knock it off!" he snapped. "Go play your annoying games with someone else. I'm not interested."

Malfoy's hands fell away immediately and Harry ignored the rush of disappointment that took their place. He glanced over his shoulder to see Malfoy disappearing into the living room. Not feeling up to placating the annoyed man, he took the coward's way out. "See you later!" he called and Apparated to a deserted alley near the Ministry. Once again he waited for his erection to subside before walking to the Ministry building. He really needed to do something about his ridiculous attraction.


	7. Hissy Fit Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter Seven**

**Chapter Seven**

Carter was not exactly a fountain of information. The man refused to utter a bloody word without his lawyer, who had a distinct need to bury them in paperwork merely for the sake of proving his superiority. It had taken the department half the day just to get a written statement from the man denying his culpability. They were forbidden to use Veritaserum on him, since he had not actually been apprehended in the act of committing a crime. He only _appeared_ to have been purchasing illegal creatures. Harry's Pensieve memory confirmed that Carter had not specified which creatures he had attempted to buy. Carter insisted he had been collecting perfectly legal Kneazles, despite the fact that there were no Kneazles in the container with the baby hippogriff, the nundu kitten, and the bound Fwoopers.

Harry had been frustrated enough to demand Kingsley use Legilimency on the obstinate bastard, but unless they Obliviated him afterwards, the lawyer would have slapped a lawsuit on them. Harry did not even dare to threaten Carter for the same reason. The best they could do was acquire a search warrant to check out the Knockturn Alley shop. Harry took Dean along, although he debated calling Malfoy. In the end, he decided not to risk Malfoy making some comment and tipping Dean off that he had made a previous, unauthorized search. Of course, that was merely an excuse. In truth, Harry did not trust himself around the Animagus any more.

He and Dean seized what records they could and then returned to the Ministry to go over them. Every time Harry's office door swung open, he lifted his head hopefully. After his "secretary's" fifth quizzical look, he put his head down with a sigh, realizing he was looking for Malfoy. He set his jaw and intentionally worked through dinner, although to little purpose. There was little pattern to Carter's appointments and sales. Only one name jumped out at Harry, and that only due to its similarity to his own: Harvey Porter. He finally went to the cellblock and talked to Carter.

"Who is Harvey Porter?" he asked.

Carter shrugged insolently. "Regular customer."

"What did he purchase?"

"This and that."

"If he was a regular customer, certainly you remember what he purchased."

"Not offhand. That's what I got notes for. I'm sure you been all through those, already. You know better 'n I do."

"What does this Harvey look like?"

Carter rolled his eyes. "Shortish guy. Blond. What's the difference?"

"Any distinguishing features?"

"I don't think I'm at liberty to discuss my customers without talking to my lawyer first." Carter said. His tone was smug and Harry's intuition screamed at him that he was on the right track. He spun on a heel and went back to his office to go over and notate every possible mention of Harvey Porter. It was late by the time he finished and finally decided to call it quits for the night.

He left a report for Kingsley and Apparated home. Harry's flat was empty, as expected. His kitchen was tidier than he had left it, as was the living room. Harry's eyes went straight to the chaise and he flushed at the memory of Malfoy. The blankets were gone, probably folded neatly in the hall cupboard. Harry poured himself a drink and sat on the couch while his mind went back over every minute of their morning encounter. Had Malfoy really been cold last night, or had he just used the excuse to sleep with Harry? Ice cubes clinked in his glass and the sound seemed overly loud in the empty room. He suddenly wished he had at least talked to Malfoy before running away. He wouldn't blame the Slytherin if he chose never to speak to him again.

He left the drink half full and went to the bedroom to shed his clothing. The bed was also made, looking untouched. Harry climbed beneath the covers and reached for his wand to cancel the light. He froze with his hand barely touching the wood. One wall of his bedroom had been completely covered with what looked like a massive chart.

He picked up his wand, anyway, but brightened the light. He climbed off the bed and walked to the wall, amazed. There were boxes and lines and colour-coded notations, divided into several sections. Across the top were the names of every person Harry had dated in the past… three or four years? How could Malfoy have even known about them all? Harry had completely forgotten the name of the girl he had met at the Quidditch match—and dated twice!—until he spotted it written in brown ink. Beneath her name was written Dated Twice, No Snogging. Harry backed up and sank down on the bed, stunned.

The sheer volume of data was mind-boggling. As Harry looked at it, he began to detect the pattern. Malfoy had been right. He really did seem to prefer blonds… and slender… and the slightly dominant-minded… Damn it. At the bottom of the chart wall were written words in green ink. Harry could practically hear Malfoy's sardonic tone. _Only one possible conclusion, Potter. Maybe you'll figure it out_.

Harry put out the light, took off his glasses, and went to bed.

His sleep was tormented with dreams. Faces of the women he had dated swam in and out of focus. Malfoy appeared often, once shifting into a snake as Harry watched and then speaking in perfect English instead of Parseltongue: _Only one possible conclusion, Potter_. He saw Ginny's eyes shining with tears, as they had been on the day he had broken up with her. _Maybe you'll figure it out_ , she said. Carter's face sneered at him. _Maybe you'll figure it out, Potter_. Hagrid's roaring laugh bellowed through his dream. _Only one possible conclusion, Harry_! Malfoy appeared again and his grey eyes were soft with concern as he held Harry's wrist. _Maybe you'll figure it out_. He was a snake again, wrapping around Harry's healed arm before baring his fangs and sinking them into Harry's flesh. _Figure it out_ , he hissed. _Figure it out_.

Harry sat bolt upright, clutching his blankets. _Only one possible conclusion_. Harvey Porter! Of course! Harry grabbed his wand and cast a Patronus.

Malfoy's head appeared in the fireplace fifteen minutes later.

"This had better be good, Potter," he snapped. "Do you know what bloody time it is?"

"I sort of didn't when I cast the spell," he admitted.

"It's three o' clock in the fucking morning, Potter. Unless you woke me to offer me the best blow job of my life, you had better prepare yourself for a brutal hexing."

Harry was silent for a few moments too long and Malfoy's pale brow rose. He looked positively demonic in the flames of the Floo call.

"Is that why you woke me?" Malfoy asked in a purring tone.

"No!" Harry cried, shaking off his stasis. "I called you because I think I know who was purchasing the creatures from Carter!"

"You woke me in the middle of the night for that?"

"Well… I was dreaming…"

Malfoy sighed. "I'm coming through."

Harry stepped back, suddenly questioning the wisdom of his impulse. His only excuse was that he had been half-asleep and dream-fuddled. A moment later, Malfoy stood in his living room, brushing Floo-powder from his dove-coloured silk dressing gown. Harry wondered what he wore under it and then wondered if it were too late to finish his drink.

"It's Colin Creevey," Harry blurted before he could say or do anything foolish.

Malfoy yawned and sat gracefully on the chaise. He crossed his legs and Harry noted they were covered in black silk pyjamas. "What's Colin Creevey?"

"He's been buying creatures from Carter."

Malfoy covered another yawn with one pale hand and Harry marvelled at how elegant such a simple gesture could look. He tore his eyes away. "Why would Colin Creevey buy illegal creatures from the likes of Carter?"

Harry floundered. "I don't know." The silver eyes fixed on him and Harry realized he had been a complete idiot to call the Animagus with such half-arsed information. "Um… it was the name he used. Harvey Porter. It took me a while, but I finally remembered where I had heard it before. It was shortly after we left school. The twins had a party and Colin came. We were all half-arsed and started joking about who we would turn into if we had access to Polyjuice and any hair in the world. Colin said he would turn into me and walk around calling himself Harvey Porter. The twins picked up on it and called him Harvey Porter for weeks."

Also at that party, Harry had admitted that he would Polyjuice into Draco Malfoy. At the time, he had said it was because he wanted to feel like an over-entitled jerk, but now he wondered if his motivation had been different, even back then. Certainly Malfoy was usually the first one that came to mind regardless of the circumstance.

"That's fascinating, Potter. And what do you propose we do about it at this hour? Do you intend to go roust the little monster from his bed?"

"I don't think that would be very proper," Harry said. Kingsley would kill him if he did that and it turned out to be a dead end. After divulging the tale to Malfoy, it sounded even more half-arsed. It still made no sense that Colin would be a participant in the insane scheme.

"All right, then. I'm going home. Call me when you have a more tangible plan. And make certain it is daylight before you do so this time."

Malfoy rose and headed for the fireplace. Harry hurried over to block his path.

"Wait," he said, suddenly not wanting the blond to leave. Malfoy's grey eyes watched him sardonically, waiting. Harry found himself tongue-tied. The silence stretched into awkwardness and he swallowed hard, knowing Malfoy's patience neared the snapping point. Indeed, the Animagus moved slightly in the direction of escape. Harry's fingers curled into the dressing gown, sliding against the silk as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Malfoy's.

The blond made no movement or sound at all. Harry tasted him gently, urging a response. He was surprised the sound of his heart was not audible, as hard as it drummed in his chest. After long moments, Malfoy still did not move and Harry felt cold terror take the place of the intensely unfamiliar feeling. What if he had been wrong about the chart—about everything? He allowed himself a last tiny suction of mouth on lips and then pulled away. He did not get far before a hand clenched in his hair and twisted his head to the side. Malfoy's lips were back against his, but no longer passive. They moved roughly over Harry's for only a moment before his tongue demanded entrance. Harry did not hesitate, opening up and allowing him access even as he pressed himself closer to the hard body before him.

He felt normalcy spiralling away from him as his world focused to the feel of Malfoy's mouth on his and the tongues of fire licking their way through his blood. He was fully plundered and marvelled at Malfoy's apparent intention to draw on every surface of his mouth with his tongue, because he was doing a damn fine job of it, discovering erogenous zones Harry had not dreamed existed. It was more than a kiss—it felt like baptism by fire. Long before he was ready to stop, Malfoy shoved him away.

Harry stared at him, panting and shaken.

"Figured it out, have you?" Malfoy asked coldly. "It only took four years and a bloody chart plastered on your wall. Or is this just another ploy?"

Harry drew himself up and wished his hands weren't shaking. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"I took the liberty of stopping by Gringott's yesterday, only to discover that Grimsby was assigned to a Ministry audit in my absence. It all became crystal clear at that point, Kingsley's insistence on my 'helping' you with this bloody ridiculous assignment. It's all part of a plan to keep me out of Kingsley's hair, isn't it?"

Harry flushed, unable to deny it. "Yes, but…"

Malfoy's handsome features turned hard. "Such an obedient Auror. Taking on every stupid case assigned to you and watching lesser Aurors steal your glory with high-profile assignments, merely because Kingsley is secretly terrified that one day you'll wake up and decide to take over. I'm curious to know how long you planned to string me on and how far you were willing to go to obey orders."

Harry gaped at him. "This has nothing to do with that!"

"Whatever. To use your own words, Potter, go play your annoying games with someone else. I'm not interested." With that, the blond turned, snatched a handful of Floo powder, and was gone.

Harry stared into the flames and wondered what the hell had just happened. He staggered to the chaise and sat down. Fuck. Every time he thought he had a handle on something in his bloody life, something else came along and threw a hex at it. His lips felt raw and bruised. His tongue slid over them and his breath caught at the taste of Malfoy that still lingered there.

Surely Malfoy didn't believe Harry's attraction was something he faked for the sake of his job? A flare of annoyance washed over Harry's insecurity. Damn the man! Was nothing ever simple with Malfoy? He grinned ruefully, knowing the answer. The blond was maddening at the best of times, but Harry had finally discovered that it might be worth the trouble, especially if that kiss were anything to go by. He pushed himself off the chaise and went back to sit on his bed and look at the chart. In addition to the things written there, Malfoy possessed qualities Harry appreciated but that Malfoy had overlooked.

Persistence, for one thing. He had been in Harry's hair almost daily for the past four years, apparently waiting for Harry to wake up and put the clues together. He was also quite intelligent, something that he had come to appreciate in the past few days, along with a wicked sense of humour. Harry had missed the never-ending commentary last night during his solitary research and had found his mind inserting dry phrases he thought Malfoy might utter.

 _Not interested_. Harry smiled softly as he looked at the chart, painstakingly created over Merlin knew how many hours. Malfoy knew where he lived. Malfoy had standing orders that only he could approve Harry's expense reports. He knew exactly what buttons to press to set Harry off every single time. _Not interested_.

"We'll see about that," Harry muttered. He lay back on his bed, crossed his arms behind his head and waited for daylight, making and discarding plans.

Harry stood outside the gates of Malfoy Manor, fuming. Malfoy's house-elves had informed him that the Lord of the Manor refused to see him. His Floo-calls had gone unanswered. He had even killed an hour by going to the Ministry and verifying Colin's address. He could probably have gone alone, but he really wanted Malfoy to come along, and not just because he admired the blond's arse.

He supposed the silent treatment was to be expected. On reflection, he had decided that Malfoy had probably expected Harry to follow him the moment he stepped through the Floo. The Animagus was likely accustomed to being pursued, but Harry had little experience as a pursuer. Normally they fell all over themselves for the opportunity to be seen with _him—_ it was a novel change to have to track someone down and force his attentions on them.

Malfoy, of course, was not making the tracking down easy. Harry knew he was at the Manor, but all the normal forms of entry had been barred to him. He would have to use all the ingenuity at his disposal. Finally making up his mind, Harry stepped forward and touched the wrought-iron bars of the gates. They were heavily warded against intrusion with spells and curses both. It took him awhile—perhaps twenty minutes of pure concentration—but he managed to dispel the last of the curses and unlock the gates.

The instant he stepped through, he was surrounded by angry house-elves.

"You is not welcome here, Harry Potter!" one yelled in a squeaking voice. "You go away now!"

"I'm here to see Draco, whether he likes it or not," Harry said adamantly. One of the elves raised a hand and Harry cast his ace in the hole—a spell that temporarily nullified house-elf powers. It was a closely guarded Auror secret, but necessary in Harry's line of work. House-elves could do horrific things if provoked, and they considered home invasion to be definite provocation.

One of them squawked angrily and threw himself—or herself—at Harry. As teeth sank into his calf, he reflected that even nullifying spells could not stop them biting and scratching. Stunning Spells could, however, and he was quickly surrounded by unconscious house-elves. He sighed and continued up the drive to the mansion. He did not have long. House-elf constitutions being what they were, the nullifying spell had a limited period of effectiveness.

Harry banged on the door in annoyance and was met with silence. He thought about casting a spell that would shatter the doors into splinters, but thought it might not be the best way to win Malfoy's heart. Instead, he spent precious minutes finessing the door locks until they finally clicked open and admitted him. He stepped into the foyer to find Malfoy waiting for him, leaning against the wall with a cup of tea.

"Impressive," he said. "I don't think many people could have managed that feat."

"You could have just let me in!" Harry snapped.

"Where would be the fun in that? I wanted to see how persistent you intended to be. Also, it was an interesting test of the Manor's defences. Pathetic, I'd say. I see I shall have to make some serious modifications."

"You do realize I've wasted nearly half the day on your…" He barely stopped himself before uttering the word "games."

"What do you want, Potter?"

 _Merlin,_ Harry wanted to answer that question honestly, but the hard light in Malfoy's eyes led him to believe it was not the time for confessions. The blond had been rejected and he was not about to make reconciliation easy. Harry was not sure exactly how angry Malfoy was about the deception involving the audit, also. Slytherins had a tendency to hold onto anger, he had noticed. He only hoped Malfoy's eventual retaliation would not kill him.

"I want you to come with me to Colin's," Harry said.

"You still expect my assistance?"

"Yes, of course," he replied. "This is our case and has been from the beginning. Regardless of Kingsley's motives, it is a valid case. Laws have been broken and people have been hurt." Unwittingly, his hand moved to his hip where the huge bruise still marred his skin. Malfoy's sharp gaze caught the movement and Harry immediately covered by trailing his hand down his leg as though smoothing his robes. "Besides," he continued softly, "I want you with me." _In more ways than one_ , he thought.

Malfoy Vanished his cup and straightened abruptly.

"Fine. Let us be done with this ridiculous 'case' so that I may get back to my real job." He changed immediately into the green Bush Viper, but made no move to climb up Harry's leg like usual. Harry clenched his teeth in annoyance. Malfoy was determined to make it as hard on him as possible. He sighed and stalked over to pick up the snake, which would have wrapped around Harry's wrist, except that Harry used both hands to drape the Animagus firmly over his shoulders. The snake hissed, but twisted around Harry's neck once more.

Harry Apparated them directly to the outskirts of Sheffield, near Colin's residence. Harry had been there once before, reluctantly attending a party Colin had thrown. As expected, Colin had spent nearly the entire occasion snapping photos of Harry and the other guests until they were all ready to dismantle his camera. Subsequent invitations had been turned down.

Harry walked up the front steps of the small but tidy cottage and hoped Colin was home. He had expected to catch him in the morning, but his partner had nixed that idea. Harry knocked politely and was pleasantly surprised when Colin opened the door.

"Harry!" he yelped. "Bloody hell, come in!"

Colin appeared more flustered than usual and bustled around the room snatching up magazines, clothing, and detritus from the furniture. "Where did I put that camera?" Colin muttered.

"No, Colin," Harry said firmly. "No cameras. I'm afraid I'm here in an official capacity."

Colin froze and gaped at him. "Official?" He took in Harry's robes. "You mean, as an Auror?"

Harry smiled. "That is my job, yes."

"I… all right. I'll cooperate, of course. What is it you want?"

"It's about the magical creatures that have recently been discovered in Muggle pet shops."

 _Smooth, Potter. Have you learned nothing about subtlety from me_ _?_ Harry was about to retort that he could have used a bit less subtlety, charts, and graphs and a little more openness recently, but he restrained himself, unwilling to have a row in Colin's living room.

Colin blinked as Harry reached up to pet the viper, earning an irritated hiss.

"Your collar! It's real?"

"Yes, it's a Bush Viper."

"That's fantastic!" Colin said excitedly. "Hey, would you like a cup of tea, Harry?"

"Erm… no, not really."

"Just sit tight and I'll fetch you one," Colin went on, picking up a few more items on his way into the kitchen. Harry sighed and sat gingerly on the couch.

 _Aren't you afraid he'll bolt_ _?_ the snake asked.

 _I can see him from here_ , Harry replied. It was true; he could see Colin's head and shoulders as he bustled around in the kitchen, apparently making tea with a combination of magic and Muggle methods. He chattered the entire time.

"I never pictured you as the type to have a pet, Harry. I mean, you had Hedwig and all up until that… incident. Sorry, you probably don't want to be reminded of that. What made you decide to get a snake? It's the fact that you speak Parseltongue, isn't it? Must be awesome to be able to talk to your pets." Steam rose around Colin as he poured water from a kettle, which flew through the air and settled somewhere behind Colin. Harry heard the sound of stirring and sighed, knowing Colin did not need to ask how Harry took his tea. He seemed to know everything about Harry. Well, he amended, not _everything._ Apparently, Malfoy knew quite a few things Colin did not.

"I have a pet Kneazle, you know," Colin went on. "She's around here somewhere. Amazing pets, Kneazles. Almost seems like they can talk to you. Of course, _almost_ isn't quite the same as actually being able to talk to them, right? It must be nice to be a Parselmouth, even though you can only speak to snakes."

Colin returned and handed Harry a steaming mug.

"Can you talk to your snake now? Does he want anything?"

 _I want him to shut the fuck up. Can you wring his neck and drag him back to the Ministry so we do not have to listen to his prattle any longer_?

Colin bounced excitedly, nearly spilling his tea. "What did he say? What did he say? It's a he, right? Seems like a he, the way he's glaring at me." Colin gulped half his tea as he sat down.

Harry politely drank a couple of sips and was pleasantly surprised at the slightly citrus aftertaste. He wondered what brand of tea it was—Malfoy might like it. He shook off the thought in annoyance. "As I was saying, Colin, someone has been selling magical creatures to Muggle pet shops. I ran across a name in my investigation that reminded me of you—Harvey Porter. Apparently this Harvey has been purchasing creatures illegally from a dealer in Knockturn Alley."

"Drink up, Harry, it's not good when it's cold," Colin admonished. "And yes, that was me. I've been buying animals from Carter. Didn't think it was illegal, though. I walked straight into his shop and asked if he could get me the creatures. He never said anything about shady dealings. Have I done something wrong?"

Harry drank his tea and looked at Colin over the rim of the mug. He seemed innocent enough; Harry had not actually expected him to admit it.

"Why?" he asked. "What possible reason could you have to sell dangerous creatures to Muggles?"

 _I'd say because he is obviously a complete_ — The snake's words suddenly blended into incomprehensible hissing. Harry frowned.

Colin shrugged. "It was all Hagrid's idea."

Harry set down his cup in surprise. "What?"

Colin nodded. "Yeah, he said the poor Muggles have been deprived of seeing all these fabulous magical creatures and deserved the right to have them as pets, same as wizards. Something about promoting the harmony between Muggle and wizard or some such thing. Apparently he got the idea from listening to Hermione."

"Hermione?" Harry yelped.

Malfoy hissed again and Harry touched the viper's head. _Why are you hissing like that? I can't understand a word you're saying_.

Colin shot to his feet suddenly. "Merlin!" he yelled. "It works! It actually works! I know what you said!"

The snake shifted and hissed. Harry's brows drew down in consternation as Colin practically crowed and danced around excitedly. "Your snake just said, 'Stop fucking around, Potter!' He's not really very nice, is he?"

"What? You understood…?" Harry gasped in sudden realization. "What did you do, Colin?"

"Say something again!" Colin yelled, peering close to look at Malfoy, who reared back against Harry's neck. Colin laughed. "Oh, he is a rude one! I wonder if I can talk to my Kneazle, now? Prissy! Come here, Prissy! Here, Prissy, Prissy!"

" _What did you do, Colin_?" Harry bellowed. The man blinked at him.

"It's a potion, Harry. I've been working on it for months, trying to come up with a way to talk to animals. Hagrid says they want to go to the Muggle world, but I'm not so sure. I wanted to ask them. My last batch nearly worked—I was certain I could understand Prissy, but this—I seem to have finally done it!"

"You gave me the potion?" Harry asked. His fingers tightened reflexively on Malfoy's scales. The snake was hissing nearly non-stop now, but Harry could not understand a word. "I could already talk to snakes, Colin!" _And now I can't_. The thought panicked him. He stood, shaking at the realization that he could no longer speak to snakes. It would not have been that great a loss a few days ago, but now… He touched Malfoy with both hands, feeling stripped of something vital. "I can't understand you," he said hollowly. Malfoy suddenly unwrapped from Harry's neck and dropped to the tea table, hissing balefully.

"I think your snake is angry with me," Colin said uneasily as Malfoy coiled into a striking position.

 _Oh no_ , Harry thought. The Bush Viper launched itself at Colin and Harry shoved the idiot aside. He cried out as sharp fangs sank into his arm and he realized belatedly that he had forgotten to pick up the antivenin Malfoy had suggested. "This day is getting better and better," he said sardonically and sank back to the couch.

Malfoy was suddenly human. "Damn it, Potter, why must you always play the fucking hero?"

Colin climbed to his feet. "Draco Malfoy?" he asked incredulously.

Malfoy unceremoniously pointed his wand at the blond man and cast a Stunner. Colin collapsed. Pain poured itself through Harry in an agonizing path centred on his arm and tingling through the rest of his body.

"Shit. Shit, shit, shit," said Malfoy before enveloping Harry in his arms.

"At least I can understand you now," Harry said weakly and then clenched his teeth as a spasm shook him. "Oh, this is not good. You're really quite poisonous."

"You always knew that, Potter," Malfoy said dryly.

Harry cupped the handsome jaw with a hand. "You're not so bad. Will you kiss me once more before I die?"

"You're not going to die, Potter. I'm taking you to St. Mungo's," Malfoy said, but he lowered his lips to Harry's anyway. Harry sighed blissfully and wished he had not waited so long to find what had been in front of him the whole time. Agony destroyed the pleasure of Malfoy's mouth on his and he gasped as his back arched. He could not seem to stop shaking. Malfoy's grip tightened. "Hold on."

Harry barely felt them Apparate through the red haze.


	8. Hissy Fit Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Chapter Eight**

**Chapter Eight**

Harry woke to unfamiliar surroundings and it took him a moment to recognize the interior of St. Mungo's. Right, he'd been bitten by Malfoy. Bush Vipers were most definitely poisonous. He raised a hand to touch the headache that lingered and felt a weight on his chest. He glanced down to find Malfoy coiled there, asleep. Harry smiled and let his hand drop to caress the soft scales. The snake lifted its head to stare at him though bright eyes.

 _You're awake._

 _Awake_ , Harry agreed and his eyes widened. Thank Merlin, he could understand Parseltongue again. The snake shifted and then a warm human body lay atop Harry in the viper's place.

"It was only a potion, Potter. They do wear off, you know."

Harry flushed, but it was more a result of Malfoy's comfortable weight than embarrassment. "Not always. Forgive me if I was not exactly confident of Colin's skill. I'm surprised he managed to brew the potion in the first place."

"Would it really bother you that much to lose your ability to talk to snakes?"

"No," Harry admitted. "But it would bother me to be unable to talk to _you_." He allowed his hand to skate gently over Malfoy's ribs, just as he would if Malfoy were still a snake. He met the startled grey eyes steadily. "I actually figured it out before you left me your chart. Astonishingly, I clued in when I realized how good it felt to wake up with you next to me." His strokes grew bolder and he allowed his other hand to join the action. "Like now."

Malfoy was silent so long Harry began to worry that he had misread the signs and charts and stalking, but then the blond levered himself forward and pressed his lips to Harry's. He thought he might break into pieces from the tension, but Malfoy's soft breath against his face made him feel almost liquid. Malfoy's hands caught his wrists and held him in place with a light grip. Harry thought his heart might leap completely out of his chest from the force of his heartbeat. Malfoy's lips touched his neck feather-lightly and drew a tingling path from Harry's collarbone up to his earlobe. "I thought you didn't want me, Potter."

Harry's groan should have been answer enough, but as was typical it did not satisfy Malfoy, whose hot mouth sucked lightly at the soft patch of skin beneath Harry's ear, drawing a shiver from him. "Do you want me, Potter?"

 _Merlin_. Harry thought it was more than obvious, but apparently Malfoy wanted his humiliation to be complete. Harry drew in a shuddering breath. "Yes," he managed as he exhaled.

Remarkably, Malfoy's hands released his wrists only to wrap around him and pull him closer. The Slytherin's mouth fastened on his neck again, more insistent this time, as if trying to draw Harry's essence through his skin. "Merlin, Potter, I've been waiting forever to hear you say that."

Harry's paralysis lasted only a moment and then he wrapped his arms around Malfoy in a crushing embrace. "I thought you were having me on."

Malfoy chuckled and the sound tickled Harry's neck and sent another shiver coursing through him. "You always were thick."

Harry groaned, but smiled as he pressed his lips into the soft blond hair.

"What happened to Colin?" he asked suddenly, remembering where they were. Much as he would have liked to show Malfoy just how much he wanted him, they would likely be interrupted by a medi-witch.

Malfoy sighed. "I brought you here and then went back for the git. I took him to Kingsley, who woke him up and questioned him. They fetched the idiotic oaf from Hogwarts and he confessed to his ridiculous plan to bring magical creatures to the Muggles. I swear—"

Harry put a finger on the soft lips, unwilling to hear slurs against Hagrid, even though Malfoy was right, it had been rather stupid of Hagrid, who had never been the brightest bulb when it came to his precious animals. Anyone that thought of Blast-Ended Skrewts as _cute…_ Well, that was just Hagrid. Harry hoped Kingsley had not been too hard on him.

"Don't worry, Potter, your pet oaf won't serve time in Azkaban. I'm sure Kingsley will let him off with a fine and some sort of community service, since he apparently was not acting with malicious intent. Creevey, on the other hand, should have known better. He claims he did not know the harm magical creatures could do, citing his Muggleborn blood as a defence. Of course, he had no problem keeping the money from the sale of the creatures and using it to fund a photo gallery he planned to establish in Diagon Alley. I don't think Kingsley plans to be as lenient with him."

Harry frowned. He might have to attend the trial and speak on Colin's behalf. The Creevey's always had a tendency to act without thinking. Harry was certain Colin had meant no harm. Malfoy's eyes narrowed.

"You're planning to do something altruistic, aren't you, Potter?"

Harry thought he might be able to distract Malfoy and put the idea to the test. He slipped his hands beneath Malfoy's shirt and trailed his fingers over the muscles of his back. "What I'm planning at the moment has nothing to do with altruism," Harry said in a seductive tone.

"Oh? And what might that be?"

Before Harry could reply, the door opened and Malfoy disappeared. Harry yanked the blankets up to cover the snake as it slithered beneath his hospital-issued pyjamas.

"Auror Potter, you're awake!" The medi-witch hurried forward and laughed at Harry's apparent modesty. "Don't worry, I've seen it all before. No doubt I was working here when you were a mere babe."

Harry did not bother to correct her as the viper slithered down his torso. She pulled his blankets back just as Malfoy disappeared into his pyjama bottoms. Harry gasped.

She giggled again. "You certainly are modest, but I have to check you out. Any lingering effects?"

"No," Harry said quickly. "I feel fine." Except for his headache, he felt surprisingly well considering the venom that had pumped through his system. He was thankful his partner had moved quickly, even though the incident had been his fault to begin with. The medi-witch pulled out her wand and Harry made a strangled cry when Malfoy slithered over his cock and into a tight coil.

"What is it?" she asked in concern. "Are you in pain?"

"No! I'm fine!" Harry said and tugged at the blankets, trying to cover his abdomen as the medi-witch tried to drag them down.

"I think I should be the judge of that, Auror Potter," she said sternly. "Now, let me run some quick tests…"

She thankfully allowed Harry to keep his lower regions covered. Malfoy was being especially evil with his inability to remain still. It took all Harry's concentration to keep from squirming as the woman cast several diagnostic spells.

 _Something seems to be growing, Potter_ , Malfoy hissed and the medi-witch looked at him in surprise.

"Did you hear something?" she asked.

Harry shook his head, unable to speak though the effort of trying to keep something from growing even larger at the knowledge that Malfoy was currently wrapped around his quickly stiffening cock.

"I'm ready to go home now," Harry managed and shifted his hips in an effort to dislodge the coiled reptile. Honestly, he had only gotten used to the idea of Malfoy touching him at all and now this! The movement backfired as the smooth scales slid over his skin. Yes, something was definitely growing now and all the iron control in the world wouldn't stop it, especially when another muffled hiss reached Harry's ears.

 _In five seconds, I'm turning back into myself_.

"Right now? But I'm not finished," the medi-witch said and paused to frown at him.

 _Four_.

"Yes, now! I told you I feel fine!"

 _Three_.

"But surely you want us to verify the poison caused no lasting damage. You only just woke up, Auror Potter. I must insist you stay—"

 _Two_.

Harry snatched his wand from the bedside table and Disapparated. He tumbled a couple of inches through the air and landed on his own bed with Malfoy atop him. Harry's pyjama bottoms strangled them both—they were definitely not made for two sets of legs. And Malfoy was fully dressed.

"That's not funny!" Harry cried. "Now get off of me."

Malfoy chuckled, but instead of moving he cast a spell with his wand and then the pyjamas were no longer constricting them because they had vanished. Harry made a squeaking noise when he realized he was completely naked beneath the predatory blond, who smiled wickedly.

"Better?" he asked.

"Almost," Harry replied. "I'm a little, um… nervous." Harry thought that might be the understatement of the century. He was fairly petrified. Malfoy had been correct with his charts and graphs—Harry had dated nearly everyone he knew, but he had never taken any of them home. "This is the first time I've…"

While Harry babbled, Malfoy's fingers drew slow circles beneath his collarbone and his lips nibbled at Harry's jaw, working their way toward his ear. Harry's pulse raced.

Several hot kisses were pressed into Harry's neck, sending shivers of delight through Harry's body. He had never appreciated the sensitivity of his throat before. Even when Malfoy spoke, his lips remained on Harry's skin and tickled deliciously. "I won't do anything you don't want, Potter."

Harry groaned.

"What do you want?" Malfoy asked huskily.

Harry raised his hands and slipped them into Malfoy's soft hair to pull him closer. He arched his back slightly to bring their bodies into even closer contact. The clothing between them seemed rough and cloying.

"You," Harry said. "I want you."

Malfoy's arms nearly crushed him and Harry laughed shakily as the silver eyes rose and fixed on his.

"I never thought I'd hear you say that. Not really," Malfoy admitted. Harry gaped at him.

"You mean you didn't believe your own chart?"

Malfoy ducked his head slightly. "I may have skewed the data slightly in my favour."

"Skewed the data. That's very Slytherin of you, Malfoy, and rather unethical for an employee of Gringott's," Harry said dryly.

"I would never tamper with financial information!" Malfoy said hotly.

Harry laughed. "What about my expense reports?"

Malfoy scowled. "We are not discussing your inability to properly fill out paperwork." The fine blush that tinted his cheeks hinted to Harry that the blond had most likely trumped up dozens of ridiculous inadequacies with Harry's expense vouchers just as an excuse to see him. He felt a rush of warmth to know how hard Malfoy had worked to win him, despite Harry's obliviousness. His apprehension vanished.

"No, we are not discussing that," Harry said in what he hoped was a seductive tone. "We're discussing why you are still wearing your clothes."

Either the tone or the words—or both—were effective, because Malfoy gasped and then levered himself away from Harry. He stood next to the bed and Harry forced himself to lie still while Malfoy's eyes slid over his unclad form. A smile curved Malfoy's lips and heat seemed to flare from his eyes, drying Harry's throat and making it difficult for him to breathe. Apparently he had not been found wanting. The breathlessness increased when slender fingers reached up and began to undo the fine buttons of the dark robes.

Harry drank in the sight of pale flesh as more and more of it was revealed and he realized he had never seen Malfoy without clothing. When the robes pooled at Malfoy's feet, Harry felt it a crime that the blond was even allowed clothing. Such perfection should be on display for the world to see. Even as the thought ghosted across his mind, Harry felt almost giddy knowing that right now that perfection was only for him.

"Merlin, you're gorgeous," he said humbly and was astonished and pleased when Malfoy looked down somewhat shyly. He had expected Malfoy to be aggressive and demanding, but this glimpse of shyness was unexpectedly enticing.

"Of course I am, Potter," Malfoy said in an obvious attempt to recover his aplomb.

"Come here," Harry said thickly. He much preferred the near-awe he currently felt to his prior nervousness, and had to acknowledge that only Malfoy could wring so many emotions from him in so short a time. He smiled, already knowing what the blond would say about such a poetic sentiment. Malfoy noticed the smile and returned it—turning his beauty into something nearing luminescence. He dove onto the bed in a quick, unexpected move and Harry laughed as he wrapped the blond in a warm embrace. Malfoy kissed him again and this time all awkwardness was gone. Malfoy's heat burned into him and Harry decided firmly that skin on skin was definitely the way to go.

They were both hard and panting together when Harry gasped, "I want… Oh, Merlin, I want…" He was not sure what he wanted, but it definitely involved _more_. More of Malfoy's stroking hands, more of his exquisite lips, and more delicious friction of cock on cock. More of anything Malfoy chose to give him.

"Tell me what you want, Harry," the soft voice rumbled as fingertips trailed lazily over his hip in teasing designs. Harry lay wantonly open with Malfoy between his legs, and he frotted shamelessly again him, desperate for rougher contact. "Do you want me to fuck you, or would you prefer to top this time around?"

Harry thought his brain might short-circuit at the very idea of Malfoy's hard length penetrating him. So much so that he couldn't speak for a moment. Malfoy chuckled.

"All right, I've been dreaming for months about having you inside me, so let's try it that way, shall we? Over we go." Malfoy slipped an arm under him and rolled them over in a smooth motion. Harry found lying atop the blond to be just as delightful as the reverse and his cock twitched happily in anticipation of what was to come next.

Malfoy guided him easily through the steps of preparation—lubrication, spells of protection, spells that did Merlin-knew-what, but apparently made penetration easier… and then Harry was pressing into Malfoy's tight heat and wondering if he could possibly make it all the way in without coming.

He bit his lip and focused, knowing Malfoy's lust-induced docility would vanish in an instant and be replaced with biting scorn if Harry did anything so stupid. He looked into the liquid silver eyes and revised that thought. At this point, Malfoy might forgive him almost anything, but that only made him more determined to draw the experience out and make it as mind-blowingly brilliant for the blond as it was for him.

Still, the tightness surrounding him was almost unbearable. He had to pause. "If I move…" he said.

"It's all right," Malfoy replied and several heartbeats passed while they kissed gently. When Harry finally sighed in relief, Malfoy grinned and thrust his hips forward in a sharp movement. Harry cried out when he was buried deeper than he had thought possible. "Move now. Bloody hell, Harry, fuck me."

Harry suddenly regretted ever wanting to shut Malfoy up, because his words were nearly as erotic as the feel of him—he forgot all that the moment he started to move, because it was beyond incredible. Instinct took over, guided by the sounds of Malfoy's cries whenever Harry hit a particular spot. He repeated it until Malfoy fairly mewled beneath him. Harry gripped Malfoy's slim hips for leverage and pounded until he thought Malfoy might split in half, but he seemed more than fine, based on the litany of sound that spilled from his gorgeous lips. Most of it was nonsense, consisting of partial phrases like _yes, yes_ and _there, there, Merlin, there_ , and _oh, oh, oh_ , but peppered with his name uttered in such a way that Harry thrilled at every erotic declaration of it.

Harry trembled on the brink, dying for release but determined to hang on until Malfoy was satisfied. Thankfully, he felt a rush as the pressure around his cock grew even tighter and he felt nails drag across his back as Malfoy shuddered beneath him and cried out his name once more. It was unbelievably hot and Harry gratefully allowed his own climax to explode through him. "Holy fuck!" he yelled as it wrung him nearly dry. Harry realized he was crushing Malfoy, lying on him in a liquid heap. He raised his head to look at his lover. He realized belatedly that he could have sped along Malfoy's release by stroking that lovely cock of his, but he supposed he hadn't done too badly, if the blond's expression of sated bliss was anything to go by.

"Is it always like that?" Harry asked breathlessly.

"No, Potter," Malfoy said and his arms tightened around Harry's back. "No, that was something special."

Harry tucked his face into Malfoy's neck, unexpectedly pleased. He grinned at Malfoy's reversion to his last name. Apparently the blond refused to use his first name except in the throes of passion. Harry supposed he could live with that. He pressed a kiss into Malfoy's sweat-tinged throat.

"Are you going to get all mushy and sentimental on me, now?" Malfoy asked dryly, but Harry noticed his grip did not slacken.

"No," Harry said. "But you aren't going anywhere."

"Oh, really?"

"Absolutely," Harry informed him and nibbled at the salty flesh before sucking lightly. "I'm not finished with you, yet."

Malfoy made a barely audible moan before asking, "When do you think you'll be finished with me?"

"Next Tuesday," Harry decided.

Malfoy shoved him away indignantly and Harry bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing at the outrage in the grey eyes.

Before he could speak, Harry added, "Of course, that's when I'll be finished with the first bit."

Malfoy's eyes narrowed. "The first bit?"

Harry nodded. "I think that's when I'll be done figuring out how long it takes to kiss every inch of this body of yours. I expect to run a few tests, of course. Maybe you can make me another chart."

"And then?"

"And then I'll most likely want to see what it takes to make you do this—" Harry stroked Malfoy's partially hard cock and grinned wickedly when he gasped. "I figure that one will take quite a lot longer…"

"You are awfully sure of yourself, aren't you, Potter?"

Harry rolled over and pulled the blond on top of him. "Well, someone made me this handy chart that points out my ideal mate. I think I'll take his advice."

Malfoy relaxed against him and Harry thought he might be able to stay in that position forever. "It's about time," the Animagus sniffed.

Harry pressed his fingers into his temples where another headache was brewing.

"Clearly, those figures should have been recorded under Miscellaneous instead of Incidentals," Malfoy said and _tap tap tapped_ a column on Harry's expense report.

"Draco, we've been dating for six months," Harry said. "Surely you can give me a break on these damned things once in awhile?"

Draco's wand disappeared as he rounded the desk and pressed his cool fingers into Harry's temples.

"Of course not, Harry. Otherwise I would have no excuse to come here and do this." He leaned down and greedily devoured Harry's lips while a hand trailed down his chest before coming to rest on Harry's abdomen.

"Mmmm, stop that, Draco. This murder case is driving me spare and I don't need you distracting me, as pleasant as your distraction might be."

Draco's lips teased the edge of Harry's jaw. "That's because you're bollocks at organization. I took the liberty of compiling your notes and making some statistical observations."

"You went through my case notes?" Harry tried to sound outraged, but Draco's hand had moved lower and now teased Harry's crotch. His immediate erection was assisted by the memory of the sterling blowjob Draco had given him on his last visit.

"I was bored and your notes were a nightmare. Frankly, your handwriting looks like hippogriff scratchings. You might try for a bit of legibility next time."

Harry's reply was a low moan and his legs fell open to give the blond better access.

"It's about time that idiot Shacklebolt started giving you better assignments. I think it was my last audit that convinced him. Although my review was perfectly justified, I might add. Imagine spending eight Galleons on a single quill! Did he have to order from the highest bidder? I suspected nepotism, of course…"

Draco rambled on, but Harry had stopped listening, lost in sensation. Having Draco Malfoy for a lover had turned out to be quite an adventure. Half the time Harry wanted to kill him and the other half of the time he wanted to shag him into the wall—and frequently did. As for his cases, Harry suspected Kingsley's change of heart had more to do with Harry's threat to quit the Auror department altogether than Draco's ruthless audits. Harry had been quite serious with his ultimatum and more challenging cases had been handed to him, finally making him feel like a productive Auror.

"Harry! Are you in there, Harry?" a voice yelled in accompaniment to a loud banging on the door. Draco instantly morphed into reptile form and slithered into Harry's shirt just as the door opened to disclose Colin Creevey's smiling face. Harry groaned and scooted his chair closer to the desk to hide his arousal.

 _Stupid Creevey_ , Draco hissed. _I still say he should have gone to Azkaban_.

Harry had spoken for Colin at his trial, earning the lad a hefty fine and community service. The proceeds from his potion had paid the fine in no time, but unfortunately his community service involved quite a lot of time at the Ministry. He was supposed to stay in the Department of the Regulation of Magical Creatures—it had been Kingsley's intention to show Colin exactly how dangerous some of the animals could be—but he frequently found his way to Harry's office through one excuse or another.

Hagrid had faced lesser charges, since he had not purchased any of the creatures himself. He had been firmly chastised by Kingsley and then Hermione had taken over. She agreed to keep a close eye on him from then on, basically the equivalent of house-arrest, in Harry's opinion. Colin's voice dragged him back to the present.

"Harry! I got the photos you wanted! They turned out so good I think I'll hang some in the window of my gallery, if that's okay with you. And with Draco, of course. It was damned hard to get some of these, I'll have you know. Thanks for lending me your invisibility cloak. It helped."

He handed Harry an envelope and Harry cleared his throat loudly to cover the sound of Draco hissing.

 _You lent him your cloak? What for? I think we might have to have a little chat later, Potter. I don't like you hanging around with your little fanboy at all. Now get rid of him._

The last was delivered as Draco slithered out of Harry's shirt near his waistband and then turned back into himself beneath Harry's desk. His cock twitched in anticipation. It was almost a Pavlovian response. Draco Malfoy on his knees at Harry's feet equalled instant rock-hard arousal.

"Thanks, Colin. I'll um… look at these later," Harry said and swallowed as Draco skilfully pulled down the zip on his trousers and eased his cock into the open air.

Colin looked disappointed. "But they're really good, Harry." He tore open the envelope and shook a dozen assorted photos onto the desk. Harry's breath caught, a response that made Colin beam happily even though it had been caused by Draco wrapping his lips around the head of Harry's cock and lapping his tongue over the slit. Harry's attention was arrested by the top photo, however.

It was Draco, standing casually in Diagon Alley with an incredible smile curving his lips. The sun gleamed off his platinum hair and shimmered in the silk of his expensive robes. Harry remembered that day and knew the smile was for him alone. The knowledge warmed him even more than the feel of the hot mouth taking in his hard length. He reached down and touched the blond head tenderly.

The other photos were similar: Draco in moonlight; Draco in the Ministry Atrium sneering at a passerby; Draco at a Quidditch match, cheering; Draco in the shower—

"Colin!" Harry yelled and heard a bang as Draco's head hit the underside of the desk.

"I thought you'd really like that one! He didn't see me! I used your cloak."

 _Fuck._ The sight of Draco soaping himself in the shower nearly undid Harry, even with the waves of annoyance emanating from beneath the desk.

"I'll pay you for these later, Colin," Harry said quickly, eyes still glued to the photo. "Please go now."

"But Harry…"

A flick of Harry's wand sent an invisible force to shove Colin out the door and then several Locking Charms and Silencing Spells followed.

"What the fuck was that about?" Draco demanded as Harry slid his chair back, but the sight of Harry's turgid cock distracted him, as hoped. The blond fairly leaped on it and Harry arched into his gorgeous mouth. His hands tangled in the fair hair and mussed it nicely, something Draco was bound to bitch about afterward.

"I'll show you later," he promised.

THE END!

Unless I give it to artistic bribery and write an epilogue...

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Vipers are not cute, Potter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1021845) by [Iwao](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwao/pseuds/Iwao)




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